"When it comes to what does and doesn’t cross the line in a relationship, it’s hard to say where flirting lands. Sure, it’s the tried-and-true tactic we use to charm someone, but coyly giggling at or playfully touching someone besides your partner admittedly seems harmless. Maybe you really are just that friendly and bubbly! But if our partner was doing these things to someone else, we’d be more than a little uncomfortable with it, right?
There is a line somewhere between OK and straight-up not OK, but where is it? What counts as flirting in the first place? And at the end of the day, is flirting considered cheating? I tapped a renowned couple’s therapist and two sex and relationship experts to set the record straight. Ahead, their answers to these questions, along with why people flirt outside of the relationship and how it impacts it, and what to do if you catch your partner flirting with someone else.
First of all—what is considered “flirting”?
According to Somatic Sex Educator Kiana Reeves, most people define flirting as behavior that’s intended to attract someone else. She explained that it is often done through things like playful banter, lightly touching one another, and so forth. While these things can be quite subjective and situational, flirting is essentially the things you do when you want to capture the attention of someone you’re interested in. For example, hugging someone and allowing your hand to linger on their lower back for an extra beat is usually flirtatious. The same goes for holding someone’s gaze longer than you would in casual conversation. But playfully laughing at your waiter’s joke is not usually going to land you in the “total flirt” category.
Let me give a more real-life example: When my husband and I were both single and crossed paths at a party for a mutual friend, I leaned into him whenever he spoke. I did this to let him know I was interested and ready to see where things went. He quickly caught on and reciprocated, and we went home together that night. The rest is history. Now, if I just wanted to be friendly, I probably wouldn’t have put my face so close to his face in an “I’m into you” kind of way, but I wanted to get his attention, so I did.
Kiana Reeves
Kiana Reeves is a Somatic Sex Educator, AASECT Member, Certified Sexological Bodyworker, Pelvic Health Practitioner, Certified Doula, and Foria’s Chief Education Officer and Resident Sex Expert with over 10 years’ experience in the field of wellness and female reproductive health. With a commitment to helping people feel more connected to their own bodies, especially as they age, Kiana harnesses her certifications and qualifications to help drive Foria’s content and brand education.
Why do people flirt outside of their relationship?
If someone’s flirting with people who aren’t their partner, it might be because they’re unhappy or unsatisfied with their relationship. “They may feel that their partner doesn’t make enough time for them, takes them for granted, is emotionally disconnected, or isn’t ready to fully commit to them,” Reeves explained. Likewise, someone in a long-term relationship might be seeking excitement elsewhere; they might feel like their feelings for their partner have faded or that they’ve fallen into a routine. “At its core, flirting is a way to achieve a sensation or feeling that is not manifesting in your current relationship,” Reeves said.
Similarly, flirting can also be a nice ego boost, and in this case, isn’t always a cause for concern in a relationship unless it becomes inappropriate. For example, you might engage in flirty, teasing banter with someone in your friend group because it makes you feel good when you make someone else laugh. This is harmless, but if you were to start lightly touching them while teasing them and going out of your way to be near them, your partner might start to get concerned about your relationship with this person.
“Humans want to feel desired, chosen, attractive, and powerful,” Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach Nadine Hamilton told me. Knowing that other people still find you attractive, funny, endearing, and so on can be reassuring. This is especially true if you struggle with commitment, as someone who has commitment issues might use flirting as a way to put a backup plan in place when the relationship inevitably comes to an end.
Nadine Hamilton
Nadine Hamilton is a Somatic Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach and Educator and host of The Sensuous podcast. As a devoted Practitioner of trauma-informed somatic healing, embodied intimacy, and sacred sexuality, Nadine guides her clients and students to awaken their erotic aliveness, expand their capacity for wild pleasure and intimacy, secure a sense of inner safety, and come home to their authentic sexual essence. With over 10 years of training and study in Human Sexuality and Women’s Studies, she’s harnessed her rigorous practice and qualifications to empower, inspire, and liberate folks around the globe.
Can flirting hurt a relationship?
First and foremost, flirting can erode the relationship as a whole. Reeves explained that it not only leads to a breakdown of trust between partners, but it also creates an emotional disconnect between them. This happens because the partner who’s flirting inappropriately inevitably—and oftentimes unknowingly—pulls back. They’re distracted by the person they’re flirting with, so they’re not really present with their partner.
Additionally, this can create insecurities and jealousy in the relationship. Finding out your partner’s been flirting with someone else might make you question why they’re doing it, if this is happening because you’re not good enough, or because the other person gives them something that you can’t. Naturally, it wears down your self-esteem and confidence. So while flirting might not be the reason behind a breakup, it can certainly be the catalyst for it.
What to do if your partner is flirting with someone else
If you catch your partner flirting with someone else in a way that makes you uncomfortable, the best thing you can do for yourself is address it. Ideally, this would be when you catch them in the act, but if that’s not feasible, tell them that you’d like to schedule a time to talk about something that’s bothering you.
“When you sit down for the conversation, try to drop any assumptions or stories that you’re creating and focus on expressing how you feel and what you perceive to be the situation,” Hamilton told me. This means getting everything out in the open politely and respectfully. “In some cases, your partner may not realize how they’ve been acting or doing so intentionally, and you can nip it in the bud if it’s just a harmless interaction,” Reeves explained. However, she strongly advises you to trust your gut. If you don’t fully believe it was unintentional, it’s important to let them know and explain how it came across to you. Your emotions are valid, and Reeves said that a good partner will acknowledge your emotions and respect that boundary moving forward.
“Flirting is a way to achieve a sensation or feeling that is not manifesting in your current relationship.”
While you’re at it, Hamilton also recommends discussing what’s working in your relationship and what isn’t. Discuss what each of you needs to feel loved, respected, and safe, and what you’re willing and unwilling to tolerate. This will help you set agreed-upon boundaries around flirting and the like that you can honor moving forward. “Hard, cringey conversations have the potential to deepen intimacy and understanding, reveal uncomfortable yet necessary truths, and clarify what you truly want and need,” Hamilton said.
At the end of the day, does flirting count as cheating?
Although we often think of cheating as a physical act, like hooking up with someone else, flirting outside of the relationship can feel akin to infidelity. “For most people, intentional flirting counts as some form of cheating,” Reeves told me. She explained that this is because men and women alike usually consider emotional cheating a betrayal. If your partner’s flirtation comes with a strong emotional attachment, it is absolutely possible to feel like you’re being cheated on. Based on what Reeves and Hamilton said, letting outsiders into an intimate relationship in this way jeopardizes the health and stability of it as a whole. Plus, it’s disrespectful, especially when one partner’s unaware of how the other is behaving behind their back.
Ultimately, though, flirting still rides a fine line. It can get “shrugged off as nothing more than polite conversation or well-intended kindness, so the line between flirting and normal talking or actions can be blurred,” Reeves said. This is why she and Hamilton recommend discussing what crosses the line and what doesn’t. “You get to design the agreements that work best for you.” If that means being in a relationship where there is more flexibility, then more power to you! But if it means only flirting with each other, then that’s fine, too. Only you and your partner can decide what’s acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship, and if you’re both happy, that’s all that matters at the end of the day.
Arianna Reardon, Contributing Writer
Arianna is a Rhode Island native, professional blogger, and freelance writer. She’s passionate about helping women develop healthy relationships with money, become financially independent, and invest in themselves for the future. Arianna is a firm believer in going after what you want, taking time to stop and smell the roses, and the importance of a good cocktail.