Living Well: Balancing Friends and a Significant Other

Living Well Columnist:
Jess Constable

I’m going to be honest, ever since I met my Mister (and especially since we’ve been engaged) I’ve let my friendships slide a little.

I spend so much time with him that I see my friends less often.

But after visiting my Grandpa last weekend, I realized that even if we are to have a wonderful, lifelong journey together, there may come a time where we are on our own. Whether that be from a breakup, or as in Grandpa’s case, my Grandma’s passing, we are not promised to be together forever, no matter how much we might try.

This realization has led me to understand in a whole new way how important friends and family truly are. You cannot put all of your time and energy into one person and have a full life.

Furthermore, I have realized that much of the spark and love that I feel for my Mister comes from appreciating his passion for building bikes, creating tech apps, and hanging out with his friends. But when we spend too much time together, that spark can dull just a bit as he steps away from those activities to be with me.

And I’m sure he feels the same way.

Which means spending regular time with friends can actually improve our relationship!

And for someone like me who’s always trying to improve and enjoy my relationship that means it’s in my best interest to make my time with friends a priority.

So here are three ways a relationship girl like myself can make sure to strike a balance:

1. Create a Weekly Date Night

No, I’m not talking about a date night with your honey. I’m talking about a date night with a friend.

Since I’m so focused on my relationship, I totally get the importance of a scheduled date night. By applying the same concept to my friends, I can easily get into the habit of seeing them once a week with the same enthusiasm I have for my lover.

Or, if your friend is far away, an annual trip could be a great way to make your friendship a tradition you look forward to.

2. Get a Workout Buddy

When I look back at some of the closest friendships I have post-high school, I have found that my friends often evolved out of a shared workout, such as running or even long walks along Chicago’s shoreline.

By exercising with a friend, you are killing two birds with one stone: you are staying healthy and connected. And since a workout class or training schedule can become a routine, it means you have friend time automatically built into your busy schedule.

3. Split the Night

For someone like me, who wants to be around her other half as much as possible, the idea of spending a whole weekend night apart doesn’t always sound appealing. But by scheduling dinner with the girls early in the evening and meeting up with the boy or girlfriend afterwards, we can have the best of both worlds.

Sometimes just knowing that I still get to see my guy later in the night makes me appreciate being out with my friends even more.

So whatever you do to make sure you regularly connect with friends and family, remember, it’s good for your life and your relationship.

http://elizzym.blogspot.com/ Elizzy

Amen! Great advice for a well rounded, fulfilled life!

http://twitter.com/Ladiesgofirst NurseFrugal

I think those are awesome ideas! The workout buddy has been great for me! Everytime I run, I go with one of my girlfriends. We are preparing for a half marathon together and it’s a great bonding experience and allows regular time to catch up when we run!

http://dccl.wordpress.com/ Catherine Ahern

This is important advice, and I like all of your suggestions, but want to add a #4: Make good couple friends. Develop relationships with other couples in which both you and your honey really enjoy *both* other people’s company. (It doesn’t work well if it’s your best friend, whom your man finds irritating, vice versa, etc.) You can have game nights, camping trips, double dates, and so on, while still building a relationship with your guy. And not to be a downer, but I’d consider it a big red flag if you can’t agree on couples that you both like.

By the way, I’m not in any way suggesting that you replace your single girlfriends with attached girls. Keep your girls’ night friends and workout buddies; just add these couples to the mix.
http://twitter.com/catfishcaviar Drew Elizabeth

I definitely can relate to this. Since living with my boyfriend it has been hard to balance work & my relationship along with seeing my girlfriends. I make a date night with them once a week to do dinner and drinks.
KW

I’m sure you didn’t mean to convey this tone at all, but the way I happened to read this post sounded a bit like a Me-focused approach to friendship. I.e. – prioritizing my friends so that I can get a better relationship. What about just showing up for our friends, not because of what we’re going to get out of it (because sometimes we’ll get very little out of it, especially if/when our friends are going through hard times) but just because it’s the human/caring/giving thing to do?

Jess Constable

I could not agree, more, KW! Excellent point. : )
Mel

I agree… I was slightly disappointed that this post was written from a completely boyfriend-centric perspective. I really think your relationship with yourself and then with your friends are most important, followed by your significant other. I was upset that the balance was conveyed to revolve your life primarily around a guy…

http://curatingstyle.com/ Jess // Curating Style

Yes to all of this. And I really need to start having a weekly date night with friends! What a great idea.
http://twitter.com/CaitPBrown Caitlin Brown

such great advice. many of us worry that by spending time away from our relationship we are somehow doing it a disservice, when in fact, we are nurturing it by keeping our lives full and balanced (which in turn, keeps our relationships full and balanced!) Well said, Jess .
http://www.brittanybecher.com/ Brittany {yoga + real food}

love this – i’m so guilty of this too definitely going to start a ‘date night’ with friends!
Sarah Pickell

great advice! I think we all get caught up on things going on in our own lives, we take our friends and the people closest to us for granted sometimes. choosing to schedule time together, whether its friends or family, makes people feel as if they really are important in your life!
Jess Constable

All great points, ladies! And KW, I could not agree more. You make a great point!
http://twitter.com/SandraVee01 The Vee Bee Diaries

After having to break things off with my guy of 3 years I now realized how much I left my friends behind while we were dating. Now I see what I did and wished more than anything that I had stayed closer to them because now is when I need them the most.
Those are the relationships that you need to pay attention to.
http://twitter.com/beautypalette Beauty Palette

This really resonated with me. After my mom passed away, my dad was terribly lonely for a while. It took him a long time to rebuild the friendships he once took for granted and it really reminded me that while lovers and spouses are incredibly important – friendships need to be tended to with care as well.

Thanks for a great post. I’m going to call an old friend today : )
Deanna

I’m on the flip side of this discussion. I have a friend for who I have been there for in very tough times, such as buying a dilapidated condo and helping to fix it up, to helping her get through the death of her mother. My family has brought her into our circle as an extended member. About a year ago my father has started to have some pretty major health issues that have been affecting our whole family, both emotionally and care-wise. She now spends all of her time with a newer boyfriend, doesn’t even bother to drop a line and ask how I am, although she knows what I’m going through, and hasn’t reached out to my parents at all. I’m down right insulted. I also have a significant other whom I live with, but have never neglected friendships for. It is important to me to be there for ALL I care about. So yeah, all you honey-mooners, remember to call your girl friends once in a while!
renatamorenoc

perfect!!
Elisse

Wow, I really struggle with this. My boyfriend and I have been best friends since we were 17, and in a relationship now for close to two years. We love spending time together, but we also find that spark can dull with too much couple time. This last month, we were both away on trips and I swear it made our relationship that much better. And maybe I’m sharing a little too much here, but our “alone time” has been out of this world good. It can be especially difficult when you live in a city away from all of your friends and family, but I am going to make a serious effort to implement “date nights” with the girlfriends I do have here! Thanks for a great article.

-Elisse
Sarah O’Brien

i’ve just recently incorporated weekly date nights with my girlfriends; whether it’s making dinner and watching a movie at my place or a few hours on the town i thoroughly enjoy my one day a week catching up on much needed girl talk!
http://snappycasualblog.com/ kelsey williams

I think it’s great that you’re doing this. It has gotten a lot harder for me to make time for my friends since Rooney was born. It is hard for me to justify being away from her more than I already am (since she is in day care). When I am away from her, I feel like I should spend time 1-on-1 with my spouse, or in quiet/alone time. Still trying to figure that all out…
http://beautifullifeandstyle.com/ Erika G

I know it sounds lame to my friends when I flake on plans and they reply “oh you can’t make it? WHY NOT?” expecting the response to be an elaborate date or party and instead I say “just a low key night with the BF”. One thing I will always make sure to do though is reschedule with them for a time I KNOW i can hang out with them. “I can’t go out tonight, but how about brunch on sunday?”

also big tip: never ever ever say to a friend “SOooo my boyfriend is out of town, lets go out to dinner friday!” nothing will make a friend feel like a second choice or last resort more than TELLING them they are.