"It’s no wonder why everyone is so overwhelmed by dating. It feels like there is a new app and dating rule every five seconds. And when you couple that with everything else in your life that you’re trying to keep up with, meeting people and nurturing new relationships feels more exhausting than exciting. Can’t you just meet someone the old-fashioned way, hit it off, and never look back? Of course you can, but here’s the thing: There is no clear way to know if a relationship will flourish long-term—at least not right away. According to the 3-6-9 rule, you have to put in the time before you can really know if your new fling could turn into your forever. Never heard of it? Well, allow me to elaborate because the 3-6-9 rule is about to make your days of dating a whole lot easier.
What is the 3-6-9 rule?
The 3-6-9 rule is used to describe the three stages of a new relationship. By the time you make it through each stage, you will be able to determine if a relationship is worth pursuing long-term. Since we are in the midst of “cuffing season,” many people are starting new relationships and asking themselves if they are serious or not. The 3-6-9 rule can help with that.
Here’s how it works: The first three months of dating or talking to someone is considered the “honeymoon” stage. This is the super fun, easy, and lighthearted stage when you’re getting to know one another and enjoying each other’s company. The next three months are the beginning of the “conflict” stage. So from three to six months, the honeymoon phase has worn off, you start to learn each other’s faults, and small arguments might occur. From six to nine months, the end of the conflict stage brings larger issues and arguments. Finally, if the conflict stage doesn’t break you, you land in the “decision-making” stage. You’ve been through the good and the bad times, so now is when you see the relationship for what it is. You can then decide whether or not you want to be with this person long-term.
Dr. Selina Matthews, a clinical psychologist who guides individuals and couples through transformational life journeys, explains in a TikTok that “This is why relationships need one year to percolate.” You really can’t know if you’re in or you’re out until you’ve seen all sides of a relationship.
Why the 3-6-9 rule works
Have you ever started a new relationship and thought, “This could be forever,” just for everything to fall apart a few months later? You’re not alone. The beginning of a relationship is known for being easy—but that doesn’t last forever. The 3-6-9 rule exemplifies this, recognizing that relationships aren’t all butterflies and fairy tales forever. The relationships that last are the ones that can navigate the ups and downs and come out the other side.
While there is no perfect relationship timeline, the 3-6-9 rule can help you understand what to expect as a relationship naturally progresses. We can’t be sure that someone is our forever after three months, and we might not want to give up on them just yet after one rocky period. The 3-6-9 rule helps you understand that experiencing the good and the bad is natural. But after nine months, it’s time to decide: Now that you know enough about this person and your dynamic as a couple, can you take the good with the bad? Are some issues too hard to ignore? This is when you’ll know if your relationship will flourish or flop.
“While there is no perfect relationship timeline, the 3-6-9 rule can help you understand what to expect as a relationship naturally progresses.”
What to expect from the 3-6-9 rule
The honeymoon stage
Ah, the honeymoon stage. We know it, we love it, and we want more of it. In the first three months of dating someone, enjoy every second. Figure out what you have in common, learn quirky things about each other, plan dates often, and if you’re ready, have a lot of fun sex. Think of this like every rom-com montage you’ve ever swooned over. In this time, your goal is to learn whether or not you like this person and how they make you feel. You may have minor disagreements, but during this stage, they shouldn’t be happening often. The two of you are too busy dreaming of the next time you can sneak away or how much your family is going to love them when they meet them at your next get-together.
The conflict stage
Between three and nine months, your rose-colored glasses will come off, and you’ll officially learn that you aren’t perfect. Shocker, I know. This is the time when you really start to get to know someone and all of their, well, not-so-great attributes. Does the way they talk to their mom make your skin crawl? Are you learning that you can never count on them to be on time for anything? Arguments are going to arise, more often than you’d like them to, and you might start wondering what tf happened to your seemingly perfect relationship. It won’t all be bad, but your relationship isn’t so shiny and new. You’re going to drive them crazy, and vice versa.
The decision-making stage
There is a difference between fighting like an old married couple and having endless disagreements. If you’ve made it beyond the conflict stage and you still feel like there is a lot of conflict going on, it might be time to call it quits. But with that said, nothing worth having comes easy. Now that you’ve rounded the nine-month corner, ask yourself if your disagreements are normal or if they just straight up make you question your relationship as a whole. As you get closer to a year, make the decision that is best for you and your future—whether you want them to have a spot in it or not. Only then can you move forward with confidence that you are, or did give, the relationship a fair chance.
Why you should implement the 3-6-9 rule
I know that a year sounds like a pretty long time, but if your dating history is anything like mine, you’ve had relationships go on longer than this, even knowing deep down that they weren’t right. The 3-6-9 rule provides guardrails, keeps you from committing too quickly, and prevents you from dragging a relationship on. Essentially, if a relationship doesn’t work out, you’re less likely to feel heartbroken, and if it does, you’re confident in its ability to withstand anything. It’s a win-win.
So whether you find yourself in a string of long-ish relationships that ultimately don’t go anywhere or you are on the fence about a new relationship, keeping the 3-6-9 rule top of mind will help you make a sound decision about your future and any new partner’s place in it.
Hailey Bouche, Associate Editor
As an Associate Editor for The Everygirl, Hailey Bouche oversees, writes, and edits content across various categories on the site. From the pitching stage through publishing, she works alongside the team to ensure that the content that our readers see every day is inspiring, relatable, and timely.