"I’ve accomplished what I thought was impossible: I found a partner who harbors the same zest for a full Google Calendar as I do. Initially, it felt like fate. He understood that there would always be days fully booked with work, hobbies, friends, and career development—and I thought I wouldn’t have to worry because he’d be busy as long (or longer) than me. While being a couple on the go seemed invigorating at first, we quickly found that it was unsustainable unless we intentionally prioritized not only our quality time out in the world but intimately, too. Here are five ways we have learned to keep our sex life alive and well, even amidst the never-ending chaos.
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1. We schedule sex
Starting with a weirdly controversial take: scheduling sex is normal. I know that sitting down with your Google calendar or weekly planner to find a time to get freaky might sound unromantic to some, but it’s a realistic solution that ensures we are both actively making our intimate life a priority. Finding the glimmers of opportunity within our schedules can also be exciting–there is nothing like the anticipation of an everything shower and a Tuesday night rendezvous to get you through the 9-to-5 workday, am I right?
I frequently hear the argument that scheduling sex can create negative added pressure, which isn’t unfounded. There will be days where work doesn’t go our way, we can’t get out of our heads, or life gets the best of us–in these situations, it is imperative to keep in mind that scheduling intimacy is more about creating a time where sex can happen than demanding that it does.
Rather than living with the fear that you’ll disappoint your partner if you’re not in the mood, discover the ways that you can still be close in proximity, both physically and emotionally. I’ve also found that scheduling designated times to get down and dirty has increased the amount of spontaneous sex we have. When you know there is an opportunity, it takes the stress of wondering “when” and “how” right out of the occasion and allows you to breathe.
2. We communicate openly and frequently
I’d argue that of all our ways to keep the spark alive, this is the most important. My partner and I are not shy about expressing what we need, whether that be a hug, a rant sesh, or having some time alone. Talking about sex is weird–though it shouldn’t be–and it can feel a bit overwhelming to sit down and have a convo about the frequency (or lack thereof) that you’re engaging in physical intimacy. They won’t know if you don’t tell them, and chances are your partner is craving the same kind of connection that you are. I can’t stress enough the importance of discussing your desires, needs, boundaries, and concerns as it relates to all aspects of your relationship, including sex. Are there positions you want to try? Specific things they do that make you feel loved? Tell them.
Having personal checkpoints during particularly busy times is helpful too, and those checkpoints can differ from relationship to relationship. For example, my partner and I both travel often for work and look for ways to feel connected when we’re apart. Something we’ve kind of accidentally established is sending each other good-morning-mirror-outfit-pictures as we start our days or attend a particularly exciting event. While not sexual at all in nature, it is a cute way for us both to check in (and see a cute picture of the other) every once in a while. Cue heart-eye emojis.
3. We have a morning and night routine
We kiss each other goodbye every morning, then again before we sleep. This may seem like a small gesture, but it translates into the way we communicate physically and emotionally. Not too long ago I asked my partner how he’s always on time to work if he doesn’t get up until the second alarm—little did I know the first alarm was set to have time to cuddle pre-weekday insanity. Keeping your sex life alive amidst the chaos isn’t just about having mind-blowing orgasms (though that helps), it’s also about the way you communicate when sex just isn’t on the table. Healthy emotional intimacy begets healthy physical intimacy, and finding opportunities for loving touch and active listening is key to helping your partner feel seen and heard. Both prioritizing physical touch as a love language, this simple practice has changed the way we approach our bookend moments together and allows for extremely raw and real moments of connection, no matter what happened during our days or what lies ahead.
4. We spend quality time together
When my partner and I are together, we are together. An old friend of mine once expressed that they didn’t understand why couples who live together still do everything together, asking “Don’t you get sick of each other?” At the time, my not being in a relationship, I agreed with their sentiment. I mean, isn’t living together enough? The simple answer is no. Your partner is not just a roommate, they’re your life partner. While grocery shopping and picking your partner up from an activity can be great ways to connect, they are not stand-ins for true, uninterrupted time together. Planning date nights, even if it is just watching your favorite show together or cooking dinner, is imperative to maintaining a healthy sex life.
If the only time you spend time alone is in the bedroom, it’s time to set down the toys and pick up a hobby. My partner and I love going on walks–like it is our favorite thing to do. Living in a city makes it easy to stroll the parks and connect over our days, our plans, and our ambitions–but some people love cooking new recipes. Some people love getting dressed up and going out for dinner. Whatever you and your partner love to do, do it together. In the long term, spending time together that focuses on more than just each other’s bodies will make those experiences much more satisfying.
5. We prioritize our physical and mental health
I used to hate the saying “Before you love someone else, you must first love yourself,” and to an extent I still do–but I also get it. If you’re reading this article, you have likely found yourself in a position where your calendar has more colors than the rainbow. I used to wear this fact like a badge of honor, expressing to anyone who would listen my lack of sleep, poor diet, and inability to make time for a relationship. I mean, I was a college acting major—eye bags came with the diploma. What I eventually found was that while I can pour my energy into other people, places, and things all day long, if I don’t reserve a majority of that energy for myself, everything suffers.
My partner and I both take our mental and physical health very seriously by exercising, eating well, and working on boundaries both professionally and personally every single day. By putting concentrated energy into what fills our metaphorical cups, we are in a much better position to grow and change with each other. Even finding something small every day to improve your health (an extra 20 minutes of sleep, a cool new workout class, an extra glass of water) will have a profound impact on you, your relationship, and yes, your sex life. Since putting a focus on this part of my life, my mind is clearer and my libido is much higher. Scientific? Maybe. Worth a shot? Absolutely.
Sydney Cox, Contributing Sex & Relationships Writer
Sydney Cox is a Chicago-based writer and intimacy coordinator who is passionate about exploring the complexities of human connections and teaching readers to advocate for themselves. Sydney’s work has been featured in various publications, where they aim to foster open and honest conversations.