"Four months before the big day, my then-fiancé and I agreed to cease all sexual interactions until our wedding night. Yes, it was torturous at times, but that brief celibacy amped up our anticipation and excitement and culminated in blissful newlywed sex during our mini honeymoon. Of course, I expected these fireworks to continue in the bedroom after we got home. So imagine my surprise when the opposite happened: Stress and opposite job schedules got in the way, and our sex life dwindled to a romp in the sheets once a month.
If you think this is a bad sign, trust me when I tell you I thought the same thing. Yet, I still feel very secure and satisfied in my relationship, and I know my partner feels the same. This got me thinking: Is not having sex frequently normal, and if so, why do I feel like there’s something inherently wrong with my relationship and sex life? I asked three sexual wellness experts to set the record straight. Ahead, their answer to these questions, along with what constitutes a healthy sex life, why less sex is considered “bad,” and how to improve satisfaction in the bedroom.
First of all—what constitutes a healthy sex life in a relationship?
It doesn’t matter if you’re into kink or love keeping it simple, a healthy sex life looks the same for everyone. According to Certified Sex Therapist Aliyah Moore, a healthy sex life doesn’t involve getting it on like rabbits. Rather, it involves prioritizing the quality of each experience through mutual satisfaction, respect, and communication. She explained that both partners should not only feel comfortable expressing their desires, boundaries, and concerns but also know that their partner will respect their wishes as well. They should both be willing to find a balance that leaves them feeling satisfied—every single time. This is especially important because wants and needs can change over time, and these changes require an ongoing dialogue.
“A healthy sex life doesn’t involve getting it on like rabbits. Rather, it involves prioritizing the quality of each experience through mutual satisfaction, respect, and communication.”
Finding a solid groove in the bedroom takes time and practice, according to Kiana Reeves, a Somatic Sex Educator. She emphasized that no one’s relationship or sex life is perfect; experiencing pleasure and fostering an ahh-mazing sex life naturally happens as you learn what you like and what your partner likes, and vice versa. This is also why Dr. Mintz, a psychologist and certified sex therapist, says that couples who view sex as something they need to consistently work and improve upon have healthier sex lives. Performing the same song and dance in the bedroom time and again gets old—and boring—quickly for most couples.
How much sex is the “normal” amount of sex?
Although experts say the quality of your sex life is more important than the quantity of sex you’re having, not having a lot of sex in a relationship is still seen as a red flag. Reeves explained that this sentiment stems from both the societal stigma that comes with sex along with the manufactured norms from the media surrounding the “right” amount to have. After all, if you see couples on TV jumping each other’s bones every chance they get, you believe it’s normal and that any deviation from that in your own sex life isn’t.
Furthermore, Reeves also said that many of the beliefs we hold around the “right” amount of sex to have also stemmed from the traditional gender norms and patriarchal beliefs that are instilled in us from a young age. Growing up, we’re told that we need to please our partner to keep them, or worse, that a man’s needs are more important than a woman’s (spoiler: they’re not). “I believe this is why many of us come of age thinking that the less sex we’re having, the worse off our relationship will be,” Reeves said.
Why having less sex can be bad for your relationship
However, the argument that frequency matters might hold some weight. Dr. Mintz noted that couples who are less happy have less sex, and couples who are unhappy with their sex life are less happy with their relationship. Low sexual frequency accompanied by sexual dissatisfaction can put a strain on the relationship. When this happens, couples have more difficulty not only broaching the topic of sex with each other but also communicating in general. “Low and no-sex couples also often stop touching one another affectionately, creating a drought of positive touch that reaches even deeper into relationship satisfaction,” Dr. Mintz said.
“Ultimately, the key is to determine how much you want to be having sex, and then work together to make sure both of your needs are met.”
Ultimately, the key is to determine how much you want to be having sex, and then work together to make sure both of your needs are met. Whether it’s once a week, three times a week, every other week, or once a month, Dr. Mintz says that initiating the conversation will ensure you’re both on the same page and help you come to a compromise if you aren’t. Once you’ve done that, you’ll be able to plan your sexual encounters in advance. While scheduling sex might sound unsexy, at the same time, it almost always leads to more sex in your relationship—and likely will remind you of what you’re missing out on when you aren’t having sex with your partner.
What to do if you want to be having more sex
If you’re having sex once a month, Reeves stresses that this is not something you should be worried about, so long as you and your partner are happy and satisfied with the relationship as a whole. Similarly, it’s also important to keep in mind that outside factors—like life changes, stress, hormonal fluctuations—can also curb libido temporarily.
However, if you’re feeling dissatisfied with your sex life, it’s important to take the necessary steps to address the disconnect. Here’s how:
1. Have an honest conversation with your partner
If you’re unhappy with the amount of sex you’re having, Dr. Mintz recommends scheduling a time to sit down and talk about it with your partner. This will give you a chance to express your feelings and also see things from their point of view. Of course, being open and honest is key, along with engaging in a non-judgmental way so your partner doesn’t feel like you’re attacking or criticizing them.
Furthermore, “If your frequency and satisfaction have decreased, see if you can pinpoint why,” Dr. Mintz said. “Are you angry about something? Is one of you stressed out? Is one of you having a sexual problem (e.g., pain with penetration, erectile dysfunction) that is causing you to pull back from sexual encounters?” Doing this and answering these questions might be difficult, but it will help you get to the root cause so you can find a solution.
2. Bring toys into the bedroom
Sexual novelty is strongly linked to sexual satisfaction, so keeping things fun and fresh in the bedroom is also key. The good news is that you don’t have to go from 0-100 to do this. Start by discussing your fantasies and acting one out, experimenting with new positions, and so forth. Likewise, Dr. Mintz also strongly advises bringing toys into the equation, especially during partnered penetration when most women have a harder time orgasming internally. Her favorite for partnered sex is LELO’S MIA-2 Lipstick Vibrator because it’s super compact and easy to hold to your external pleasure points during intercourse. And if you’re having sex with a penis owner, she recommends the TIANI™ DUO or TIANI™ 3 couples vibrators because they stimulate the clitoris and penis simultaneously.
Also, don’t forget the lube. Even if you think you don’t need it, it’ll do wonders for your sex life. Not only will you experience less friction and irritation during sex, but it’ll also make you feel more aroused as well. “For many women, just putting on lube is exciting since we associate wetness with excitement,” Dr. Mintz explained. Be sure to look for clean formulas, and always use a water-based lubricant with silicone-based toys—oil and silicone-based lubes will deteriorate the material faster.
3. Enlist the help of professionals
Dr. Mintz also suggests reading self-help books from pros that’ll help you get to the root cause of your sexual dissatisfaction, like Desire: An Inclusive Guide To Navigating Libido Differences in a Relationship by Lauren Fogel Mersy and Jennifer Vencill, Reclaiming Your Sexual Self by Kathryn Hall, and her book, A Tired Woman’s Guide To Passionate Sex. However, because sex is such a complex and emotional topic, untangling the issues going on in your sex life is sometimes easier said than done. If that’s the case, Reeves recommends enlisting the help of a sexual wellness professional. “Ultimately, couples’ sex lives can change for so many reasons, and no two situations are exactly alike,” she said. “If you’re struggling to get to the bottom of the situation, that can be a good time to seek out a sex counselor or therapist who is adept at working through these kinds of challenges in an unbiased way.”
So, is having sex once a month normal?
When it comes down to it, “normal” is subjective. “Sex educators and therapists, me included, will routinely advise to not use the word ‘normal’ when asking questions about sex—including about sexual frequency,” Dr. Mintz explained. “This wording leads us to believe there is a right and wrong when it comes to sex, which if it’s consensual, there is not.”
“Let’s prioritize quality over quantity, embrace our sexualities, and stop settling in the bedroom by learning our needs and asking our partners to meet them.”
While most couples report having sex once a week (or less) on average, it is ultimately up to you and your partner to decide what your “normal” is. If that means having sex every day, great! But if it means having sex once a month or every other week, that’s fine, too. “While sexual activity can enhance intimacy, bonding, and emotional connection, it’s not the sole determinant of a relationship’s health,” Moore said. “If both partners are content with once-a-month intimacy and it meets their emotional and physical needs, it can be perfectly normal.”
Instead of worrying about how frequently we’re having sex with our partners, focus on sexual wellness and fulfillment foremost. Let’s prioritize quality over quantity, embrace our sexualities, and stop settling in the bedroom by learning our needs and asking our partners to meet them. If you and your partner are both happy and sexually satisfied, then that’s truly all that matters at the end of the day.
Dr. Laurie Mintz, Ph.D.
Dr. Laurie Mintz is an Emeritus Professor at the University of Florida, teaching Human Sexuality to hundreds of undergraduates yearly. She is also a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist and a Fellow of the American Psychological Association. She’s published over 60 scholarly works and authored press books: Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How to Get It and A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex, and was named one of Forbes’ “50 over 50” women innovators in 2023.
Aliyah Moore, Sex Therapist
Aliyah Moore is a Certified Sex Therapist with a Ph.D. in Gender and Sexuality Studies whose expertise has enabled her to actively assist people in navigating sexuality and intimacy-related challenges. Moore is passionate about empowering the voices of minorities and guiding them toward a deeper understanding and acceptance of their own sexuality. Her advice has appeared on outlets such as Fox News, Women’s Health, Mindbodygreen, Mashable, and Well and Good.
Kiana Reeves, Somatic Sex Educator
Kiana Reeves is a Somatic Sex Educator, AASECT Member, Certified Sexological Bodyworker, Pelvic Health Practitioner, Certified Doula, and Foria’s Chief Education Officer and Resident Sex Expert with over 10 years of experience in the field of wellness and female reproductive health. With a commitment to helping people feel more connected to their own bodies, especially as they age, Kiana harnesses her certifications and qualifications to help drive Foria’s content and brand education.