"There’s a special kind of torture associated with chasing an orgasm that never happens. This is not to be confused with edging, where you purposely hold off until you can’t any longer. I’m talking about never crossing the finish line even with enthusiastic, time-consuming effort. From my first orgasm until my late 20s, I felt like something was just inherently wrong with my body. I could orgasm most of the time while masturbating or having sex, but I couldn’t consistently finish. Even worse, I could never get there without using a very powerful clitoris-stimulating sex toy. Hands? Fingers? A tongue? A penis or dildo? Forget it. Something about my vagina was simply incapable of orgasm every time I wanted to or in ways that other women seemed to easily get off.
These doctor-recommended vibrators combine cutting-edge innovation with clinically-proven benefits. Plus, you can use code H4PPY15 for an extra 15% off RN
I spent a good chunk of my adult life treating this untruth as fact. But the reality was that I didn’t want to explore my body further and risk facing the same disappointment despite the effort. I mean, I was already able to orgasm, just not all the time and not without a sex toy. At least I could get there occasionally! But with age and a healthy dose of smut, I began reconsidering my stance on exploring my body. I started questioning why I was holding onto that limiting belief without even trying to figure out how else to make myself orgasm.
So, with the power of an open mind and the help of pleasure mapping, I was able to overcome my misguided notions and learn what my body likes (and doesn’t) so I could have more meaningful, satisfying sex. If my story sounds all too familiar, I’m sharing what pleasure mapping is and how it helped me learn about my body—plus, all the ways it can change your sex life for the better.
What is pleasure mapping?
Pleasure mapping is a self-exploratory practice that helps determine which sensations make you feel sexually aroused and which sensations don’t. The practice requires a meditative mindset, a willingness to explore your body by touch and sight, and about 30 minutes of focus. During the pleasure mapping process, you stimulate your erogenous zones and note what feels good (and what doesn’t) based on pressure, rhythm, pace, temperature, texture, and other sensations. This process isn’t about getting off, but rather figuring out where and how you like to be touched in order to more easily orgasm in the future.
This process is for anyone who wants to take their sex life up a notch, even people who feel sexually satisfied without having tried the practice. Though it’s valuable for every sexually active person, pleasure mapping is most beneficial for those who feel like they don’t know their body well enough to experience pleasure. It’s equally as helpful for people who feel like they’ve tried every trick and position in the book and still aren’t climaxing, which was the case for me for years.
How pleasure mapping increased my sexual satisfaction
The biggest, most obvious benefit of pleasure mapping that I experienced is more sexual satisfaction. If you know which areas of your body light up under certain types of touch, solo and partnered sex are infinitely more satisfying because you understand exactly how to manipulate your body to get from aroused to satiated. This allows you to have a more fulfilling experience by banishing the frustration of being unable to push yourself over the edge or the pressure to fake an orgasm forevermore.
Discovering what’s most satisfying through pleasure mapping also leads to better communication in the bedroom because it empowers you to communicate what feels good to your partner. For example, once I mapped the areas that are most pleasurable and the speed, pressure, and rhythm required to push me over the proverbial climax cliff, I was able to better (and less self-consciously) explain and exhibit my sexual needs to my partner during foreplay and penetrative sex. It was a litte uncomfortable and embarrassing to voice these things at first, but with practice, it became second nature. It’s actually been quite sexy to speak with such brazen confidence about what gets me off.
“Pleasure mapping helped me get better acquainted with my body and increasingly comfortable with my sexuality.”
In addition to upping dirty talk, pleasure mapping also leads to healthier self-talk. At least, this was the case for me. We so often feel uncomfortable with our bodies, as so many areas of our culture fixate on the appearance and performance of bodies. While many of us are inclined to shy away from becoming intimately familiar with our bodies, getting to know my pleasure firsthand (literally) facilitated a healthier relationship with my body and the way I speak to myself.
Why I recommend pleasure mapping
As someone who long believed I could only orgasm using a clitoris-stimulating sex toy, pleasure mapping was a game changer. When it was easy enough to get there with a toy, I didn’t see why I should bother with my hands when such magical vibrating devices existed—but I didn’t know what I was missing. Pleasure mapping forced me to get to know my vagina with my own fingers in a safe, low-stakes environment. Plus, once I started frequently having penetrative sex, it became obvious that sex toys don’t always work with every position. And when that was the case, I knew how to get the job done without them.
If you’ve similarly shied away from getting hands-on with your sex bits for one reason or another, pleasure mapping may feel daunting, but I can attest that it’s very, very helpful for enhancing satisfaction during all kinds of sex. Sometimes, you need dedicated solo time to explore and experiment with your body without the added pressure of a partner watching or participating. Pleasure mapping helped me get better acquainted with my body and increasingly comfortable with my sexuality. If you want to feel braver and more empowered to chase your own pleasure, give pleasure mapping a try.
How to try pleasure mapping for yourself
Gather your tools
Pleasure mapping only requires a few things, but mainly, it requires an open mindset and about 30 minutes of your time. You can bring a notebook, pen, and mirror to better understand your body and its pleasurable sensations. You can also bring along any lubricant or sex toys you’d like to stimulate yourself with in addition to your hands. But really, all the add-ons are just extra credit.
Begin exploring your body
To start, lie down sans clothes somewhere quiet and comfortable and slowly begin exploring your body with your hands. Try to mimic what might feel good if it were a partner stimulating you, and make note of what types of touch feel good and the parts of the body they feel good on. Use a mirror to look at your vagina as you touch yourself so you can visually pleasure map the sensations as you mentally catalog them. Experiment with different pressure levels, pace speeds, rhythm patterns, and devices to determine what feels best, what feels neutral, and what doesn’t feel good. Take notes in a journal, or mentally clock them.
Pay close attention to your thoughts
In addition to figuring out what kind of touch satisfies you, embrace the mental exercise of becoming sexually acquainted with your body. This process might excite you, but it also might overwhelm you. Know that the latter is OK. If you have negative or judgmental thoughts during the pleasure mapping process, acknowledge them. Maybe even write them down in a journal as a way to release them from your mind. If your thoughts are distracting, you can pause and try again another time. You can also consider talking to a sex therapist for help overcoming negative thoughts, as they can seriously hinder sexual satisfaction.
Take it slow
Additionally, avoid focusing on having an orgasm while pleasure mapping. It’s totally OK (and even great) if you do, but that isn’t the goal of pleasure mapping. You want to simply slow down and explore your body so you can maximize your pleasure during sex rather than fixating on having an orgasm and getting frustrated when it eludes you.
While it’s possible your partner is a total sex god and can get you off in ways you’ve never been able to yourself, it’s also very sexually liberating when you understand which types of touch push your body over the edge. Better sex starts with knowing, understanding, and appreciating your body, and pleasure mapping is just one means of achieving these things.
Alyssa Davis, Contributing Writer
Alyssa Davis is a freelance writer specializing in home, lifestyle, beauty, and entertainment content. She studied English at Indiana University and has since produced articles for publications including SheKnows, Architectural Digest, and Well+Good, to name a few.