I was raised on Catholicism, tough love, Italian food, and strict, no-nonsense parenting. My upbringing left no time to broach the taboo topic of sex with my mother—never mind the even more taboo topic of masturbation. And though I’ve now grown into and embraced my sexuality, something about masturbating still makes me a bit uncomfortable.
I know I’m not alone in this sentiment. For some reason, many of us were taught that indulging in self-pleasure is not an act of self-care but something to be ashamed of. But it’s time to rewrite that narrative once and for all—which is why I reached out to two experts who are well-versed in all things sexual wellness and self-pleasure. Keep on reading to learn their four biggest tips on how to feel more comfortable masturbating, so you can start celebrating healthy sexual self-care like you’re meant to.
1. Educate yourself
It’s no secret that there’s a societal stigma around all things sex and self-pleasure that perpetuates a cycle of shame and self-judgment. “In many cases, the messages we’ve been taught about sex and masturbation have to be unwound in order for us to achieve sexual wellness,” Harper explained to me. “This process often begins with education.”
To start this process, Harper recommends reading Becoming Cliterate by Dr. Laurie Mintz to get a humorous deep dive into female pleasure and checking out OMGYes.com, a website that teaches how to experience pleasure. Likewise, learning about the health benefits of masturbation can also help; knowing you’re doing something good for your mind and body will help release some guilt and shame you might be carrying. Some health benefits of masturbation include better sleep, less stress, and improved mood and self-esteem.
2. Start slow
Although shedding the stigma around masturbation will take hard work and require you to step outside of your comfort zone, baby steps are totally acceptable. “You can always start slow,” Reeves told me. “Just being naked with yourself and holding your vulva in your hands can be restorative and remedial.” She then went on to say that meeting difficult moments with kindness and compassion for yourself can also be incredibly healing and help you reclaim this relationship with yourself.
Furthermore, Reeves also suggests nixing the idea that the sole purpose of masturbation is to achieve an orgasm. This mindset can detach you from your body and the experience as a whole. “If you find yourself reaching for your vibrator as an impulse too often, I always advise slowing down and stepping back from the idea of a climax as the end goal,” she explained to me. Instead, try touching your body or admiring yourself in the mirror and focusing on your breath to stay present, fulfilled, and heal.
3. Create a safe space for pleasure
Trying to masturbate when you’re tense, stressed, or anxious is not going to make you feel more comfortable with what you’re doing, which is why Harper suggests creating a safe space for yourself to enjoy pleasure without feeling pressured. For some, this might mean lighting some candles and playing sensual music; for others, it might be having complete and total privacy or reading erotica. Everyone is different, and this might take some trial and error, so don’t be afraid to give yourself permission to experiment and find what works best for you.
4. Enjoy the journey
According to Reeves, getting more comfortable masturbating is a process that should be enjoyed, celebrated, and savored, which is why she recommends reserving a Sunday morning to stay in bed to touch and explore your whole body—not just your genitals. Stay tuned in to your curiosity and intuition, change positions, and experiment with different types of pressure, touch, and breath. Let your sensations guide you and take over—don’t overthink it. “It’s all about getting more familiar with and comfortable in your own body,” Reeves explained. “The journey is truly the destination.”
At the end of the day, masturbation is one of the best ways to get in touch with yourself—literally and figuratively. Engaging in self-pleasure is a crucial part of sexual self-care, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re all sexual beings, and the more you can connect with yourself and your body, the better your sex life and self-image will be.
