As a Libra Sun and Venus, I like to think that I was born for love, for better or worse. I am obsessed with all things sex and romance. My favorite film genre is rom-com, preferably one that stars Hugh Grant, and my go-to comfort show is Sex and the City (I am a total Samantha, in case you were wondering). I am someone who enjoys the thrill and ease of casual dating. Temporary intimacy in the form of great banter on the first date, followed by a sensual make-out sesh that gives me butterflies all over, doesn’t scare me but rather lights me up. As someone who is love-obsessed, it’s no surprise that I built a career as a sex and dating writer.
Not long ago, I looked forward to every new match—scheduling at least one first date a week like it was my job—but recently, I have become jaded by the modern dating game. After a recent first date that ended with the guy ghosting me right after we hooked up, even though he expressed wanting to see me again (heavy sigh), I decided that it was officially time to delete the apps and focus on myself. While I am a proponent of having a “hoe phase” and not feeling shame about it, admittedly, I’m in a different season of my dating life. I’m craving something more meaningful and consistent.
If you’re someone who spends any amount of time online, you have most likely come across the “boy sober” trend. As a self-proclaimed lover girl, I never thought the term “boy sober” would ever enter my vocabulary, but after that last intimate encounter, taking a break from dating to pour into myself and get real about my dating goals seemed like the only rational thing to do. So, I decided to document my experience. Here’s what actually happened during 30 days of being “boy sober.”
Dr. Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT
Dr. Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Clinical Sexologist, Dating Coach, and the founder of group therapy platform Joy Collective. She serves as Chief Sexologist at The Sexual Wellness Awards (SXWA), where she champions radical self-expression, sexual liberation, and holistic wellbeing.
Caitlin Cantor, LCSW, CST
Caitlin Cantor, LCSW, CST, is a licensed Clinical Social Worker and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist. Her mission as an individual, couples, and sex therapist is to teach people how to form healthy, deeply connected relationships with themselves and others.
What does it mean to go “boy sober”?
Before getting into my experience, let’s first define what it actually means to go “boy sober.” The term was first coined by content creator and comedian Hope Woodard in 2024. According to Woodard, the official boy sober rules are: “no dating apps, no dates, no exes, no situationships… and no hugs and kisses.”
In simple, more holistic terms, going boy sober is essentially taking a soulful timeout from the dating game, says Dr. Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT, a relationship therapist and chief sexologist of The Sexual Wellness Awards. Unlike celibacy, which describes the practice of abstaining from sex, boy sobriety is a strategic retreat from engaging with others sexually and romantically to “heal old wounds, clear your energy, and realign with what you truly desire,” Dr. Berkheimer explains.
“Many young women are joining this movement because they’re burnt out from endless scrolling, swiping, and disappointing experiences,” says couples and sex therapist Caitlin Cantor, LCSW, CST. Instead of playing a dating game that feels more draining than fulfilling, women are choosing to invest their energy in things that do feel good, like friend dates or hobbies.
And while the name might suggest otherwise, boy sobriety isn’t limited to people who date men. In other words, the “boy sober” movement has nothing to do with the people on dates and everything to do with re-evaluating one’s dating goals and developing healthier dating habits.
The benefits of going boy sober
As you can imagine, there are many benefits to taking a break from dating. For one, it’s an opportunity to clear emotional clutter, such as letting go of doubts or fears about love. Dr. Berkheimer adds that if you’re still reeling from a recent breakup, pausing romance can help release the pain of heartbreak and feelings of betrayal so they no longer hold power over you. “Most importantly, going boy sober gives you the mental space to get clear on what you want by tuning into your deepest desires,” says Dr. Berkheimer. “Whether that’s trusting yourself to love fully, setting healthy boundaries, or simply defining what true partnership looks like for your highest good.”
“I would rather spend my free time dedicating my time to myself, my work, and my interests than spend a subpar evening with a Hinge date who’s ‘figuring out’ their dating goals.”
While going boy sober is largely positive, it can have its drawbacks, such as feeling lonely or having dating FOMO. However, “It’s important to remember that taking a timeout isn’t about abandoning love but reclaiming your energy,” says Dr. Berkheimer. That said, experts don’t recommend taking a break from dating for too long, especially if forming a healthy romantic relationship is a long-term goal of yours. Once you identify some of those unhealthy relationship patterns that are causing you to feel burnt out by dating and work through them—perhaps alongside an expert—you’ll be in a better place to get back out there.
“Ultimately, the boy sober movement isn’t to swear off dating for good but to take the time to come back into flow so that you can re-enter the dating field with more clarity, strength, and readiness to attract a relationship that feels good and true,” says Dr. Berkheimer.
What happened when I went boy sober for 30 days
Week 1:
My first week of being boy sober honestly felt refreshing. I messaged a few people I had been texting to let them know I was taking a break from dating, and it felt good to be upfront and honest about my needs, plus challenge my desire to people-please. Rather than feeling antsy about not having any dates lined up as I normally would, I kept myself busy with work meetings, coffee and dinner dates with friends, workout classes, and prepping for the Beyoncé concert (Bey > boys, amirite?). It felt revitalizing and soul-nourishing to spend an evening with friends rather than with a bad date who left me feeling confused and questioning my self-worth afterward. I also found myself pouring into solo activities that always refuel me, like reading and trying out a new boutique fitness class.
Week 2:
The second week of my boy sober challenge was also quite re-energizing. I started a new part-time job as a receptionist at a Pilates studio, and my new schedule kept me busy and mentally stimulated. It felt good to learn new skills and slowly start building relationships with my coworkers. I also began a summer writing workshop at the same time. This brought another opportunity to meet new people, build community outside of romantic relationships, and work on a lifelong passion of mine: creative writing. By the end of week two, I really felt like I could take a pause from dating long-term. Not spending hours on the apps gave me more time to focus on the things I actually care about. I felt happier and lighter, as the cycle of endless swiping and superficial conversations often leaves me feeling agitated, defeated, and low about myself.
Week 3:
By the third week, I was getting a bit anxious about my dating timeout. I still kept myself busy with work, friend dates, my writing workshop, and the gym, but I started to crave the temporary intimacy of a great first date. There were many moments when I thought about signing back onto the apps, especially when I got a notification from Hinge saying I received a message from a new match despite pausing my account. Nevertheless, I stayed strong, and, rather than getting back on Hinge, I got my romance fix by restarting the OG Sex and the City series for the umpteenth time.
“I felt happier and lighter as the cycle of endless swiping and superficial conversations often leaves me feeling agitated, defeated, and low about myself.”
Week 4:
By week four, I really began to feel like I was entering a groove with this whole “boy sober” thing. I fell into a routine with my work schedule and continued making it a priority to schedule friend hangouts during times I would usually reserve for dates, like Thursday and Friday evenings. I had a therapy appointment for the first time in two months, and I also took a dance workout class with another single friend, which was its own form of therapy. It was a rare moment where I felt so free and validated in my body outside of sex, especially when the lights were turned down and we were given permission to freestyle and dance like no one was watching.
After a successful trial run, I felt no rush to return to the dating game—and I still don’t. While I don’t think I have it in me to swear off dating for a year, which seems to be the average amount of time people tend to partake in boy sobriety, I do think I will continue on my boy sober streak at least until the fall. I would rather spend my free time dedicating my time to myself, my work, and my interests than spend a subpar evening with a Hinge date who’s “figuring out” their dating goals. I’m excited to keep reflecting on my dating expectations and relationship needs so I can re-enter the dating game more confident, hopeful, and ready to attract the love I want.
Should you try going boy sober?
“If dating feels more draining than joyful, or if you feel like you’re giving more than you’re getting, it’s time to consider a soulful timeout,” says Dr. Berkheimer. Similarly, “if you keep having the same hurtful experiences, taking a break to examine how you’re unknowingly getting in your own way can be helpful,” says Cantor. For example, you might be repeating relationship patterns that keep leading to unhealthy connections, like dating people with an avoidant attachment style.
By taking the time to re-examine your current bonds and make sure your life feels fulfilling outside of romantic relationships, you can work to develop a healthier approach to dating. Then, you can return to the playing field from a more empowered place. As a self-proclaimed dating pro, I can attest that going “boy sober,” even for just a week, offers a refreshing reset that anyone can benefit from, so why not give it a try?
Naydeline Mejia, Contributing Writer
Naydeline is a lifestyle writer and editor with a master’s in global communications from The American University of Paris and a bachelor’s in journalism and creative writing from Baruch College. She currently splits her time between Paris and New York City, where she was born and raised, and considers both cities home. Beyond The Everygirl, Naydeline’s editorial work has been featured in Women’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Teen Vogue, and NPR, among others.
