My Partner Doesn’t Go Down on Me—What Should I Do?

About a year ago, I discussed my thoughts on DJ Khaled not going down on his wife. TL;DR (but please, do read, be my fan): DJ Khaled (yeah, you know the one) doesn’t go down on his wife, but he expects her to do the same for him. I think it’s ludicrous to expect anything from your partner, especially when it comes to sex. I also think it’s bonkers he told the world about his sex life without the consent of his wife. Oh, and WTF DJ Khaled? You’re supposed to be “the one,” and you can’t even give your girl some good foreplay. Next. 

I bet you totally want to read the whole story now, huh?

But what exactly do you do if you have a DJ Khaled situation on your hands? (And yes, everyone I know refers to a man — or woman — who won’t go down on them as a DJ Khaled. What an awful legacy to hold, Mr. Khaled.)

Behold: we’re sharing all the ways to talk to your partner and encourage them to get all up in your business. Or just how you can say “thank u, next.” 

 

Have you asked for it?

Sometimes, it’s as simple as asking for it. Some partners might not even notice it’s missing if they’re totally focused on their pleasure (which isn’t necessarily a good thing, but we’ll get to that). You can make it as casual as a “Why have you never gone down on me?” text at 11am on a Tuesday or make it sexy during a little dirty talk session. If you’re met with reservations, now we move onto phase two:

 

Figure out why they won’t

Before you can determine how exactly to go about getting some good foreplay action with your partner, you have to figure out what their reservations about giving oral sex are in the first place. Some people think it’s gross; others don’t know how and are afraid to ask or learn; some people just don’t think about it. Once you know why your partner isn’t interested, you can have a discussion about it.

 

Don’t take these suggestions as ways to con or “convince” your partner into giving you oral sex. The last thing any of us want is a partner who’s whining and complaining because they feel forced to go down on us. That is possibly even less pleasurable than not getting it at all. However, it’s also totally OK to talk to your partner about things you want or would like to change in your sex life. It isn’t weird to bring this stuff up to your partner if you feel like something is missing or you’d like to try something new

 

Give an anatomy lesson

Part of me believes that, as women, it shouldn’t be our job to teach men (I’m speaking in heteronormative terms here for a reason) our anatomy. They took health class too. They have access to Google. They’ve probably searched for equally as uncomfortable things in their downtime. However, I’ve come to realize a lot of men don’t know what they don’t know, so how can I expect them to go looking up vagina charts on Google Images? 

When men finally have a grasp on the female anatomy (remind them over and over again that the clitoris is the only organ for pleasure — the only one! seriously!), they begin to realize just how important foreplay is in making sex a pleasurable experience for us.  

 

Remind them of why it feels good

Along with your anatomy lesson, remind your partner why oral sex is such a game-changer in your relationship. Many women can’t orgasm from penetration, meaning they need clitoral stimulation to reach their finish line too. For many of these women, oral sex is the easiest and most effective way to get there. If oral sex is the only way you know how to orgasm, it’s OK to tell your partner that. It shouldn’t hurt their feelings; you can’t help your anatomy. 

 

Put things into perspective

This idea is two-fold. Often, the argument for not going down on a woman is that the vagina is “gross,” and I have two answers for that. First of all, how dare you? The vagina is the eighth wonder of the world — really, it’s the first, and the rest are just honorable mentions. There isn’t much the vagina can’t do, and it pales in comparison to male genitalia. Which brings me to #2: alright, sure, the vagina is a little different. It’s got a unique smell, everyone’s looks decently different, and there’s a lot going on that they actually didn’t teach us in health class. However, the penis isn’t all that much better. If your partner wants you to perform oral sex on them, remind them that it’s a weird experience for both of you. Very few people go headfirst into oral sex thinking it’s going to be a super natural, easy process. It’s normal and is a common part of sexual practice for many people, but it’s definitely different — and it’s OK to remind your partner of that. 

And just as we discussed previously, if oral sex is a comfortable and likely way for you to orgasm, remind your partner of this. They probably wouldn’t enjoy sex as much if they weren’t orgasming, and you shouldn’t have to try. 

 

Watch porn together

If your partner is unsure of what to do or how to do it, try watching porn together. Show them what looks good to you, introduce them to techniques you want them to try, and encourage them to practice. Most people aren’t amazing at having sex at their first go-around, and the same goes for oral. Try different things to see what works for both of you. 

 

Introduce new toys to the mix

If your partner still isn’t so keen on trying, add some toys (such as bullet vibrators, wands, or remote vibes) to your routine. You’ve already reminded your partner of the importance of clitoral stimulation, and if they can’t provide that themselves, toys are the next best option. This way, you both get what you want.

 

Make what works better

Instead of focusing on what’s missing from your relationship, try to focus on making what already works even better. If your partner’s hand game (I can’t believe I just wrote that at work) is seriously on point, or they have your kinda dirty talk on lock, tell them to keep up the good work. Complimenting your partner on what you enjoy versus complaining about what isn’t encourages them to not only keep doing what you love but make it even better.

 

Evaluate the relationship

Sex is an important part of some people’s relationships, and both partners being able to orgasm should be a given. If oral sex is an aspect of sex that you deem important but your partner disagrees, it’s not wrong to evaluate if that’s the right relationship for you. While sex does not have to be the determining factor in a relationship, healthy communication, compromise, and a desire to bring happiness (occasionally in the form of an orgasm) to the other person does, and if they’re unwilling to give you the pleasure you want (and deserve), there is certainly someone else out there who will (or at the very least, a suction vibrator that basically does the same damn thing). 

 

  • Shannon

    Porn is extremely degrading and an unrealistic portrayal of intimacy. Suggesting that women should watch with their partners only feeds into the disrespect. Not only that, but there are now studies that show that pornography is highly addictive and can have adverse effects on the brain. Please keep this in mind the next time the Everygirl promotes pornography.

    • Kat NoPraiseNoBlame

      I disagree. I think a lot of people associate porn with stereotypes but there are tons out there that can make women AND men feel comfortable and not degraded. Yes sometimes porn can be bad (in terms of quality and mental health) but not all porn is bad and it’s more degrading to shame people for watching or suggesting porn than actually watching it