"They say that getting married is one of the most important decisions of your life, and I don’t disagree. However, when you know everything you need to know about someone in order to make the decision to marry them, it should be an easy, no-brainer, wouldn’t-want-it-any-other-way kind of decision. Meaning when you and your partner align on what the future holds for your relationship and your life together, the actual act of getting married should be one of the easiest decisions you’ll ever make.
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You might not have every little detail nailed down, but you should align (or at least understand one another’s) bigger, overarching goals and plans before you decide to get married. Allison Raskin, relationship expert and author of I Do (I Think): Conversations About Modern Marriage, agrees. On The Everygirl Podcast, she explained that modern marriage is something that you and your partner get to build together, instead of fitting into an expected mold of what a marriage is. In order to do this, there are a few important questions to ask before marriage that can help you decide what kind of life you want to create with your partner, if at all. Ahead, eight crucial questions to ask before getting married.
1. What are your long-term financial goals?
If you’re thinking about marriage, you’ve probably already had a few money conversations with your significant other (or at least we hope that you have!). You may know what each other’s student loan or credit card debt is, how much you each pay for your car, and things like that, but one thing you should definitely talk about before you tie the knot is what long-term financial goals you both have. For example, if you want to save enough money for a down payment on a house but your partner is planning on allocating their money toward a different goal like paying off their debt first, you’ll want to know that before you get married. This topic doesn’t usually result in deal breakers, but it’s important to know how, if at all, you can support each other.
On The Everygirl Podcast, Raskin emphasized the importance of prenups in most modern marriages. “I know it’s unromantic, but I also think it makes people safer,” she said. “If you have a conversation and you each get your own lawyer and you agree on a wonderful prenup where you feel safe, that’s a huge sign of how your partner respects you.” While the financial conversation can be an uncomfortable question to ask before you get married, it’s also super important for envisioning how your lives will function together in the future.
2. Do you see yourself with kids in the future?
If the topic of children hasn’t come up yet in your relationship and you’re considering marriage, don’t wait any longer to bring it up. Talk to your partner about whether or not you want children and if so, when and where you want to raise children. Then, see how your partner feels about those same things. If you both want children, it’s also critical that you consider when and what happens if you have trouble conceiving a child—will you need to freeze your eggs, save for IVF, or consider adoption? This is one of the harder questions to ask before you get married since it’s something you can’t necessarily plan for right away, but you’ll want to know sooner rather than later whether or not you both align.
In addition to this, gender roles have shifted. What will your parenting dynamics look like? Does one of you want to stay at home with the kids while the other maintains their career? These are all questions that you should ask before deciding to get married and eventually start a family.
3. Do you expect our house to run the way your family of origin ran?
Before you freak out about how intense this question sounds, really think about how important the answer is. If your partner expects that one of you will stop working to take care of the home or children, as mentioned previously, in the future, but you’ve always wanted a double-income household, that’s something you want to know. The more you know about how someone was raised—and how they feel about how they were raised—the more you can work on imagining a future that works for both of you. “It’s really crucial to have these nitty-gritty conversations of, ‘Are we replicating what we have seen, or are we building something new and different together, and if so, what do we want that to look like?'” Raskin said on The Everygirl Podcast.
Many of us come to the marriage conversation with a lot of ideas about how a marriage “should” be, whether that comes from our family or society. “Rather than fitting ourselves into this preordained structure of what marriage is, figure out how you and your partner can create a marriage that is unique to you, that works for you, and that you have the flexibility to change as you change,” Raskin recommended on The Everygirl Podcast. Knowing what your partner envisions for the division of domestic labor is one step toward creating that unique balance.
“Figure out how you and your partner can create a marriage that is unique to you, that works for you, and that you have the flexibility to change as you change.”
4. In what ways do we need to receive and show each other love?
Relationships take work—like, a lot of it. And if you plan on getting married, you’re committing to a lifetime of that work, so you want to make sure you’re equipped with all the knowledge you need to have a successful marriage with your partner. This means that you need to know how to show them love in the ways that they need to receive it and vice versa. If you don’t know your partner’s love language (words of affirmation, physical touch, gift-giving, quality time, and acts of service), now is the time to dig into the topic together. Knowing how someone shows and receives love can make all the difference in your relationship and can help you understand and better support one another.
For example, if your love language is shared experiences (one of the newer ones!), communicate that to your partner. That way, when you are feeling down or disconnected from them, they know just what you need (a fun adventure together to bond over, for example). Having this figured out and practicing showing each other love in your own ways can strengthen your relationship way before you walk down the aisle.
5. What do you think is the best way for us to handle disagreement?
Similar to love languages and how people give and receive love in different ways, everyone has their own conflict resolution style. One important question to ask before you get married is how your partner likes to resolve an issue or fight. Some people like to have some space to think before they react and decide how they are really feeling and some people like to hash everything out with their partner right then and there. Ask your partner what they need in the case of an argument and tell them what you need as well. This can help you work as a team instead of butting heads in the heat of an argument. Always remember this: It’s not about one person versus the other, it’s both of you versus the problem.
6. What is your expectation for how much time we spend with both sides of our families?
Ah, the in-law conversation. It has to happen sooner or later, and better before marriage than during, right? Whether you live close to your family or not, merging family schedules once you get married can become a full-time job if you’re not careful. To prevent this from happening, have an honest conversation with your partner about expectations, and more importantly, boundaries.
Ask questions like the following: How often do you want to see your family? How should we split holidays? If we have family events on the same day, do we split up or pick one? How will we handle which one we pick? How can we build our own traditions instead of always divvying out holidays between our families’ houses? This is more of a loaded question and you might not have all the answers right away, but you need to start the conversation and know if you and your partner are able and willing to compromise before becoming a married couple.
7. Do you have any personal history that I should know about?
Ok, so you might know some things about your partner’s medical history or their general past, but are there any nitty-gritty details (whether the details signal a red flag or green flag) that they haven’t told you that would be nice to know before you legally join your life with theirs? It can be an awkward question to ask, but trust, you’re going to want to give them the opportunity to share anything they might have been embarrassed, nervous, scared, or worried to tell you before. When you ask this question, make sure you communicate gently and state that you’re not accusing them of not telling you important details about their life, but you are just simply wondering if there is anything you need to know in a no-judgment zone.
8. Why do you want to get married?
More likely than not, the answer for both of you is that you’re in love! However, most people have felt at least a little cynical or skeptical about marriage at one point or another in their lives. After all, the history of marriage is a little patriarchal and problematic, so it’s fair to want to dig a little deeper. Asking your partner why they want to get married doesn’t mean that the answer needs to be a deal-breaker at all—it just means that you’ll gain more insight into what marriage means to them.
“There are so many different ways that people are going to come to the marriage decision, but what’s important is to make sure that it’s a decision you’re making for yourself rather than because you think it’s the decision that you have to make,” Raskin said on The Everygirl Podcast. Getting married just because it’s the social norm isn’t as common in the 2020s. Now more than ever, you and your partner are truly choosing each other, and that’s a wonderful thing.
