If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in my nearly five years of marriage, it’s that a healthy, happy sex life makes for a more satisfying, contented relationship. Maybe that’s a hot take—I’m not saying sex is the end-all, be-all of any romantic relationship—but my personal experience is that a fulfilling sex life goes hand in hand with a thriving emotional dynamic. And trust me when I say that my husband and I have not always had the kind of sex life I’d gossip about during Saturday brunch with the girls.
Though it’s taken us time and patience to get to a place where we’re both pleased with our sexual relationship, we’re now able to communicate honestly and without judgment about sex acts we’re interested in trying. Though we keep the discussion pretty open, I’m always interested in new ways we can check in intentionally with each other. That’s exactly why I was so keen to create a sex menu when I heard about the exercise.
What exactly is a sex menu, you ask? It’s more straightforward than you might think and has absolutely nothing to do with restaurants—unless public sex interests you. Read on to learn about sex menus, their benefits, how to make one, and more.
Put simply, a sex menu is a list of sexual activities you’d like to try with a partner. A sex menu often includes foreplay “appetizers,” like cuddling, sensual massages, and sexting, as well as “entree” acts, like fingering, oral sex, vaginal sex, and anal sex. Role-playing, edging, dirty talk, and sex toys can also be included on a sex menu as “sides.” And of course, you have to have “dessert,” like showering together, taking a nap, or other after-care activities.
Emily Morse, sex educator and host of Sex With Emily, the longest-running sex podcast in history, says your sex menu doesn’t have to be divided into sections, though. It could simply be a bulleted list of everything you’re interested in trying in (or outside of) the bedroom. Either way, creating sex menus should empower you and your partner to talk about your desires, determine what you’ll try, and even discover new sexual experiences together. The idea is that you each make your own, and then you compare them and decide what you want to try.
It encourages communication
Talking about sex can be hard! It’s common to feel nervous or self-conscious when trying to verbalize sexual desires to someone else, so a sex menu can be a great way to create an open channel of communication. With both partners creating and sharing their sex menu, they are being vulnerable and honest about their desires, and that fosters an even ground for a judgment-free conversation.
It helps you identify your partner’s preferences
Whether you’re in a new relationship or you feel disconnected with a long-term partner, creating a sex menu can help you connect sexually. It’s both a conversation starter and a “sexual road map,” as Morse says, that will help determine which activities you’re each interested in and which are off-limits.
It helps you discover new desires
Sex isn’t just about penetration—there are a whole lot of activities that fall under the umbrella! With that said, don’t feel ashamed if your partner references a sex act on their menu that you’ve never heard of, or vice versa. That’s part of the point of making a sex menu in the first place: to discover new desires and further enrich your sex life. So, add anything you’re interested in exploring—you never know what will become your new favorite experience.
It keeps your sex life fresh
In addition to creating a safe space for open and honest discourse, sex menus also offer an activity checklist for you and your partner to complete. Every time you’re in the mood to have sex, you can reference your sex menus and choose an activity you want to do together, which is a fantastic way to freshen things up in the bedroom. It’s sort of like those couples games where you can flip a card to determine what you should do on date night, but you’ve customized the activity selection yourself.
My husband and I have been together for nearly a decade, and while we’ve had many ups and downs in our sex life over the years, we now have an extremely open channel of communication when it comes to expressing our sexual interests and preferences. That said, creating and sharing our individual sex menus was more of a fun little activity for us, but I can absolutely see how the exercise would be extremely helpful for couples who don’t have as open a line of communication when it comes to sex.
“Creating and comparing sex menus was a great way to touch base about our sexual satisfaction in a more engaging, out-of-the-box way.”
We mostly had the same things on our lists, but the exercise also helped to revisit acts we would like to participate in more frequently. For example, I want to make out with my husband more as an act of foreplay, and he wants to receive more oral sex. (A man wanting more blow jobs? Revolutionary, I know.)
Creating and comparing sex menus was a great way to touch base about our sexual satisfaction in a more engaging, out-of-the-box way than simply having a conversation. Plus, it was nice to have our lists laid out in front of us as a visual addition to the discussion. Though the sex menu exercise may initially seem most ideal for new couples, I found it to be a useful, constructive activity as someone in a long-term relationship as well.
If you feel like you and your partner aren’t on the same page sexually, or you’ve never talked about your sexual desires, or you simply want to check in and see if there’s anything you’d like to add to your sex life, making sex menus together could be really helpful for tackling these concerns.
Whether you choose to make short bulleted lists or create full-on sex menus is completely up to you, your partner, and your shared comfort levels. Just remember to be mindful that what you might consider foreplay, your partner might consider the main act, and vice versa. Neither is right nor wrong, so maintaining an open mind and a judgment-free dialogue is crucial.
If your partner isn’t sure what a certain activity is on your list, explain what it entails and how you envision the two of you participating in the activity. Some items might be a hard no, but for others you’re on the fence about, discuss whether or not there’s a way to work up to the activity over time. With that said, here are some ideas to add to a sex menu:
Appetizers (foreplay)
- Cuddling
- Dry humping
- Kissing/making out
- Sensual massages
- Sexting
- Watching porn
- Listening to audio erotica
- Showering together
- Watching each other undress
Entrees (the main act)
- Anal sex
- Fingering
- Mutual masturbation
- Oral sex
- Vaginal sex
- 69-ing
Sides (kinks, toys, & techniques)
- Sex toys
- Bondage
- A sexy playlist
- Temperature play
- Nipple play
- Role playing
- Edging
- Getting praised
- Neck kissing
- Hair pulling
- Dirty talk
- Shallowing
Desserts (aftercare)
- Cleaning your partner with a warm towel
- Cuddling
- Playing with your partner’s hair
- Rubbing your partner’s back
- Taking a bubble bath or shower together
- Napping
- Pillow Talk
- Watching a movie
- Ordering food
- Nightcap
- Round two
Alyssa Modos, Contributing Writer
Alyssa Modos is a freelance writer specializing in home, lifestyle, beauty, and entertainment content. She studied English at Indiana University and has since produced articles for publications including SheKnows, Architectural Digest, and Well+Good, to name a few.
