"For as long as I can remember, love has captivated me. The romance novels I read growing up set me up to believe that finding it and keeping it is easy. So, naturally, when it came time to start exploring my own relationships, I was a little bit shocked when it didn’t play out like all the books I’d read. Unfortunately, Jane Austin and Nicholas Sparks hadn’t prepped me very well for real-world romance, where love letters had been replaced with “u up?” texts, meet-cutes were considered being someone’s weekly rose on Hinge, and finding your perfect someone didn’t happen in the first 50 pages.
Real-world dating, in my experience so far, is nothing like the books. It has actually been quite disappointing—so much so that now, I find myself in a state of Single Fatigue. I am perpetually single, burnt out by the “talking” stage, and utterly repulsed by the thought of yet another friends-with-benefits agreement. Yet, my intense craving for a true connection and deep desire to be in a relationship keeps clouding my judgment on partners, leaving me in an endless cycle of devastating situationships.
To hopefully solve this, I have decided to change my approach to dating. Instead of taking detours with people I’m not compatible with, I hope my new approach will cure my single fatigue and, ultimately, lead me into a storybook romance of my own. Here’s what I’m doing:
I am vetting my dates more thoroughly
I have a confession to make: I used to think being intentional when it came to dating was bad advice and borderline self-sabotaging. I was very much team “go on as many first dates as possible” because there was strength in numbers, and I would eventually find a good match… newsflash, I was very wrong. What I didn’t realize was how utterly exhausting it was to go on first dates in general and especially with people who I wasn’t even that into.
Instead of swiping to fill the void and agreeing to hang out with someone who I’m not even into, I am being more intentional about who I date rather than how many dates I’m going on. Moving forward, I am committing to doing some preliminary vetting before going on dates and being honest with myself about what I need out of a partner.
To help with this, I set out to make a list of characteristics my ideal partner would have. Above all else, I value humor, self-awareness, and intelligence. I’m also what you could describe as a bit high-strung, so having someone who is patient and can calm me down is also a necessity. While there’s no rhyme or reason as to who your right person is, I will be taking this list as a guide so my first dates hopefully have a higher chance of leading to a second date.
“If someone isn’t going to add joy to my life in the ways that spending time alone does, I don’t need to go on a date with them.”
I am spending time alone
One of my goals for the year was to learn how to spend time alone. So every week, I take myself out on a solo date. While it’s been scary to do activities alone, each week gets easier. I have new hobbies like pottery and boxing, am playing volleyball and tennis again after years of not playing, and have since realized that I don’t actually like going out to the bar that much. Doing this is helping me become more intentional with who I want to spend my time with. The way I see it is if someone isn’t going to add joy to my life in the ways that spending time alone does, I don’t need to go on a date with them. I have myself and can do whatever I want alone. Apparently Miley Cyrus was right—I can buy myself flowers and hold my own hand.
I’m opening myself up to more ways of meeting people
Recently, I found myself spending way too much time on dating apps out of pure habit. I was opening the app and swiping left on basically everyone. Instead of falling even deeper into this bad habit, I’ve started to ask my friends to set me up instead. They will do a better job than an algorithm, right? Plus, they have a clear sense of what I want and need and hopefully, know someone who is a healthy balance between the two. But of course, since my friends only know so many people and I shouldn’t solely rely on them to help me write my love story, I have promised myself to be brave and try approaching people in real life. More specifically, I am working on approaching people who has similar interests and hobbies as me. I figure if we’re both at trivia on a Tuesday night, we have to have at least one thing in common right?
I am setting boundaries
Everyone knows you need to set boundaries when you’re dating or in a relationship. Perhaps you want to avoid falling into codependent habits, so you make sure you keep up your independent hobbies, or to avoid rushing your relationship, you wait until six months before you take on hometown visits. You might even set boundaries with first dates, like not spending the night with them or not pen-palling every day leading up to the date. As someone who constantly finds themselves in situationships, I’ve struggled with setting clear boundaries. What can I say? I avoid the “What are we?” conversation like the plague and as a hopeless romantic, I just assume they will fall in love with me eventually.
“Feeling single-fatigued is what I needed to figure out what I really want out of a relationship and learn to love myself more along the way.”
But in a world where situationships are more common than actual relationships and I find myself continuously falling victim to them, I need to figure out a way to protect myself while also staying open to what a potential relationship could be. To do this, I’m setting firm boundaries like insisting on going home instead of spending the night and refraining from making plans more than two weeks in advance. While the whole point of setting these boundaries is to avoid losing sleep and feeling uneasy over mediocre men, I’m also hoping that the quality of men I date goes up and I have fewer dating horror stories to share at girls’ night.
I am reminding myself there is no rush
I still have a bone to pick with Emily Henry and the producers of Bride Day on TLC, but I’m realizing that feeling single-fatigued is what I needed to figure out what I really want out of a relationship and learn to love myself more along the way.
As I fight my single fatigue, I’m reminding myself that I won’t feel like this forever even if it seems like my perfect person doesn’t exist. I’m enjoying the time alone and am trying to cherish my intentional dates even if they lead nowhere. Best of all, I’m continuing to be brave and bold enough to create a meet-cute that would be fit for the next NYT best-selling romance novel, because I’m still allowed to have a little fun with it, right?
Bryanna Cuthill, Contributing Writer
Bryanna Cuthill is an NYC-based writer with a Bachelor of Music in Music Theatre from Baldwin Wallace University. Being a textbook hopeless romantic, and writing professional pretender on her taxes, Bryanna is no stranger to being delulu and achieving a teaspoon of success for every cup of rejection. She truly believes the pen is mightier than the sword and hopes to be the internet big sister she never had and encourages everyone to be a girl boss while also taking the time to romanticize their own life.