"Do you ever feel like you’re harboring a dirty little secret when you watch porn? It’s something that 40 percent of women view when they’re alone or with a partner, yet it’s a topic that hardly sees the light of day. For a lot of women, there’s something about watching pornography that inherently feels wrong. It makes us feel guilty, and then what’s worse is the fact that porn guilt is often accompanied by shame—one emotion you should never feel in the bedroom. But why do so many women experience porn guilt? Why is porn something that men can openly discuss while we cower away from it? I reached out to three sexual experts to get to the bottom of this. Ahead, their insight into why you feel guilty for watching porn, and how to snap out of it so you can develop a healthy relationship with porn.
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Why watching porn can make you feel guilty
You were taught that porn is negative
It’s no secret that society often paints pornography in a negative light, and Sexologist for sexual wellness company Biird, Suzannah Weiss, says these negative narratives can make you feel guilty for consuming it. We’re all raised with beliefs we take into adulthood, and Weiss explained that being taught that “porn is inherently dirty or that certain desires and fantasies you’re seeing in porn are wrong” can make you feel like you’re doing something wrong by watching it. This often creates a vicious cycle: You feel guilty for wanting to watch porn but give in anyway, then feel ashamed of yourself and lack of self-control.
You feel morally wrong for consuming it
Anna Richards, a Pleasure Positivity Educator and the Founder of ethical porn website FrolicMe, told me that feeling like porn is exploitative or degrading to women can make it harder to watch. This is especially true for mainstream heterosexual porn that prioritizes the male gaze over female pleasure on free porn websites. Weiss explained that the majority of porn on tube sites is not only pirated but also doesn’t fairly compensate the actors. This unfair treatment subsequently gives this porn content a performative element that can be uncomfortable to witness since you know the performers aren’t aroused or enjoying themselves.
“Being taught that ‘porn is inherently dirty or that certain desires and fantasies you’re seeing in porn are wrong’ can make you feel like you’re doing something wrong by watching it.”
You feel like a cheater or a fraud
Finally, Sexologist and Sexual Expert for Lovers, Marla Renee Stewart, MA, says people in relationships sometimes feel porn guilt because it feels like they’re cheating on their partner and vice versa. Likewise, she also explained that sexual suppression can heighten guilt since the performers are recreating what you don’t do in your own life. For example, watching lesbian porn while ignoring your desire to explore a same-sex relationship will likely make you feel frustrated, the same way watching BDSM despite knowing your partner isn’t open to trying it will too. Regardless of the reason, watching performers enact what you can’t (or won’t) might make you feel guilty since you’re not being authentic with and in your sexuality.
How to stop feeling porn guilt
To be clear, feeling guilty for watching porn is nothing to be ashamed of. This is something women and men alike struggle with, so you’re not alone. While Stewart believes this isn’t something you can snap out of overnight, she says it is possible with time and persistence. So, if you want to get to a place where you’re able to watch porn without feeling guilty, here’s what Stewart, Weiss, and Richards recommend doing:
Determine where your guilt is coming from
If you feel guilty for watching porn, Weiss recommends determining if the root cause of that guilt is your own beliefs or internalized messages from your upbringing or society. For example, feeling guilty for watching porn because you think it’s demeaning toward women would be your own belief, while feeling guilty because a guardian once told you it was inappropriate would be an internalized message. So, think about how the topic of sex was handled when you were growing up, and compare that to how you approach and view it now as an adult. Understanding this is key to working through your emotions.
Self-reflecting on how porn makes you feel can also be helpful. “Take note of what feelings come up while you’re watching porn as well as how you feel, particularly during sex, in the hours and days following it,” Weiss said. This will help you determine how porn is specifically affecting you so you can work through it.
Similarly, Richards also recommends examining your beliefs about women’s sexuality. She explained that stereotypes about women being less sexual than men and therefore inactive agents in their sex lives can make you feel guilty for watching porn. Viewing porn might be uncomfortable and unsettling if you were told that being comfortable in your sexuality as a woman is embarrassing, or have experienced that shame firsthand.
Get clear on your values surrounding sex
It’s also important to recognize that we each have our unique values and viewpoints about sex and might feel guilty for watching porn that directly violates it. Instead of shying away from the guilt, though, Weiss suggests using it as a chance to explore and get clear on your values surrounding sex. “If you feel guilty, ask yourself if there is a value of yours that the porn you’re seeing is violating, or if the guilt is coming from elsewhere,” Weiss explained. On the one hand, watching BDSM might make you feel guilty because you’re not into power dynamics, so it’s directly violating your sexual principles. On the other hand, you might feel guilty for watching BDSM because you were simply taught that watching any kind of porn is bad. In that case, the violation is coming from elsewhere.
“Viewing porn as a sexual wellness tool can help remove the guilt and shame you feel for watching it.”
Understanding your values about sex will make it easier to develop a healthier relationship with porn. If the content you’re watching is making you feel guilty, viewing other types of porn might be the fix you need. But if you feel guilty for watching it and want to refrain because it directly goes against your values, that’s fine, too. “What’s more important than whether you watch porn is your relationship with porn,” Weiss said.
View porn as a sexual wellness tool
Viewing porn as a sexual wellness tool can help remove the guilt and shame you feel for watching it, according to Stewart. Not only can watching porn help kickstart libido, but it can also spark new ideas for your love life. Mediocrity is something you should never settle for in the bedroom, and porn can show you new positions to try, inspire scenarios for you to recreate, and help you further explore your sensual side. Similarly, Stewart also believes in using porn to bond with your partner. She explained that watching it as a couple can help normalize watching it. Plus, it’s a great way to communicate your needs and desires in the bedroom since you’re sharing and examining your fantasies together.
Moreover, Weiss says that watching porn also has some health benefits. She explained that “some research has correlated porn use with better sexual functioning in women, more sexual knowledge, and a greater sexual repertoire.”
Try different kinds of porn
Lastly, if watching porn makes you feel guilty but it’s something you want to overcome, try consuming different genres instead. Stewart recommends searching for specific content that’s aligned with your desires and fantasies, while Weiss suggests viewing ethical, feminist, and queer porn. Ethical porn sites like FrolicMe and Sssh.com are great because their content is shot from a woman’s perspective and emphasizes female pleasure. Plus, the performers are compensated fairly.
Similarly, listening to audio porn can get the job done just as well. “Some people who have mixed feelings about porn videos find audio porn more approachable,” Richards explained. “Plus, they leave more room for you to imagine what you’d like the scene to look like.” And if that doesn’t sit right with you, you can always turn to a steamy romance novel or your imagination.
When it comes down to it, releasing the guilt you have for watching porn won’t happen overnight. Instead of racing to the finish line, focus on enjoying the sexual wellness journey to get there. All good things take time, including developing a healthy relationship with porn.
Experts consulted
Suzannah Weiss
Suzannah Weiss is a Sex and Love Coach, author of Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject, and Resident Sexologist for Biird, a female-led, pleasure-positive brand. She has written for publications such as The New York Times, The Washington Post, and New York Magazine, and worked as an editor at Teen Vogue. Weiss also holds a Master of Professional Studies in Sexual Health, as well as a Bachelor of Science in Cognitive Neuroscience and a Bachelor of Arts in Gender & Sexuality Studies and Modern Culture & Media.
Anna Richards
Anna Richards is a Pleasure Positivity Educator and the Founder of the Ethical Porn site FrolicMe. Anna is passionate about creating explicit content through female eyes and has taken a positive approach to portraying sex online for women, breaking boundaries for female pleasure.
Marla Renee Stewart, MA
Marla Renee Stewart, MA, is an award-winning certified Sexologist and Sexual Strategist, Intimacy and Relationship Coach, and educator with over 20 years’ experience studying human sexuality. She is the owner of Velvet Lips, a sexuality education company, Co-Founder of the Sex Down South Conference, faculty member at Clayton State University, where she teaches Sociology and Women’s and Gender Studies, and sexpert for sexual wellness brand Lovers. She also co-wrote the 2020 book, The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay with Dr. Jessica O’Reilly.