It’s all fun and games until the playful back-and-forth texting you’ve been doing with your Hinge match turns into real first-date plans. You likely have a first date routine in place that helps you channel your best self, but sometimes taking an everything shower, lighting a candle, and doing your manifestations isn’t enough to kick those first-date nerves. This is where the 3P theory comes in. The 3P theory takes the pressure off of dating by suggesting that every first date leads to one of three positive outcomes: Potential, Plot, or Practice.
Experiencing anxiety before a first date is extremely human, but it doesn’t add anything positive to your dating experience. It definitely doesn’t teach you anything new about yourself or potential partners, either. If you’re the type to overthink and put a lot of pressure on that initial get-together, the 3P theory could be what you need to stay calm, confident, and remember that dating doesn’t have to be so scary after all. Ahead, we’re breaking down the 3P theory, each positive outcome associated with it, and how to start implementing it yourself.
What is the 3P Theory?
Coined by Serena Kerrigan, TikTok creator and author of the upcoming book Let’s Fcking Date, the 3P theory suggests that every first date leads to one of three positive outcomes: Potential, Plot, or Practice. Kerrigan claims that adopting this theory can change your entire mindset about dating. It allows you to approach dates as opportunities for growth rather than a high-stakes interview with the potential love of your life. The 3P theory removes the pressure from dating completely because no matter how the date goes, you come out of it with something positive.
Potential
It’s easy to get carried away when you’re just getting to know someone: You find out that you share a favorite artist or movie or that they’re a cat person (green flag), and you start picturing what it would be like to merge friend groups and run off on romantic weekend getaways. All of that is normal, but you’re probably going to end up stressing yourself out. Kerrigan says the antidote to this is remembering the first P in the 3P theory: Potential.
“You’re having so much fun on the date, you’re asking questions, the conversation’s flowing… there’s potential for another date,” Kerrigan says. This isn’t to be confused with the potential for a relationship or the potential for a hand in marriage. There is simply just the potential for a second date to come out of the first one if it’s going well, and that’s a good thing! This perspective offers a liberating lens in which to view that first meeting. It doesn’t allow your mind to get ahead of itself.
Plot
More often than not, your date will either fall short of your expectations or there just won’t be that romantic connection. Maybe they get a little too drunk or share some questionable political views (always ask who they voted for ahead of time!), or perhaps the sparks that lit up your DMs don’t fly in person. “This isn’t failure,” Kerrigan says. “You’re gonna go on a lot of dates that serve no purpose other than a great story to tell your group chat.”
This is where the second P in the 3P theory, Plot, comes in. It centers the date as a part of your nuanced life story rather than categorizing it as either a flop or a success. When you find yourself being overly critical or swearing off love forever after a strange or “meh” meetup, think about how you’ll be able to debrief and laugh about what went wrong with a friend later.
Practice
Whether you’re sweating pre-date or faking a smile mid-date, remind yourself: This is a learning experience. You’re putting yourself out there, and you’ll always gain something from that. “Practice makes perfect,” encourages Kerrigan. Even if you’re absolutely certain you’re never going to see someone again, there’s so much to discover about yourself and your preferences.
“This perspective shift makes dating feel less like a performance and more like an opportunity to better understand yourself, your needs, and what you truly want.”
Every date offers the opportunity to learn about your boundaries and your standards, according to Kerrigan. “What are your non-negotiables, and what do you want in a future partner?” she asks. Dating new people is one of the only ways to determine those answers.
What’s even better is that your learnings don’t even have to be dating-related. You may discover you’re a dynamic storyteller, or maybe your date asks you a question you’ve never considered about your life goals. You may find your new favorite food! The beauty of dating comes from trying different things, so take advantage of that.
How to implement the 3P Theory
While it’s definitely easier said than done, incorporating the 3P theory comes down to mindfully viewing dates as a self-discovery practice. Think about them like little episodes in the TV show of your life, and detach from any expectations. You’ll know you’re making progress when you’re genuinely able to stop caring if you click with the other person. If it happens, it happens! It may take a few tries, but remember that it’s a process.
Before a date, set one small intention that has nothing to do with impressing the other person, whether that’s practicing being more present, speaking up about your preferences, or simply noticing how you feel around them. Afterward, instead of asking “Did they like me?” ask yourself “What did I learn?” Over time, this perspective shift makes dating feel less like a performance and more like an opportunity to better understand yourself, your needs, and what you truly want.
How the 3P Theory takes the pressure off dating
The 3P theory encapsulates a valuable lesson not just in dating, but in life: No experience is a failure as long as you can find a lesson in it. When you reflect on that, you become a more well-rounded, confident, and interesting person. It also serves as a reminder to give yourself empathy when things don’t go as planned. It’s easy to replay everything and self-blame when you have a disappointing date or don’t get a text back. But there’s nothing wrong with you, and the 3P theory can help you take the necessary step back to avoid spiraling.
As soon as I mastered the art of this, my current partner and I hit it off. Obviously, there are a lot of factors when it comes to getting into a relationship, but I do think having that 3P theory mindset played a major role. I was sure of myself and just had fun getting to know someone. Everything developed naturally from there.
It’s possible to not get heart palpitations before every date, and all you may need is a change in perspective. It may sound counterintuitive (and a bit cliché), but once you understand that the point of dating isn’t to meet your person but to form a deeper relationship with yourself, that’s when it all clicks.
Looking for even more ways to take the pressure off of dating? Try these:
- “Quiet Dating” Is Helping Singles Have a Stress-Free and Satisfying Love Life
- Experts Agree: This Relationship Approach Sets Couples Up to Last
- Get This: You Can Say “No” to a Relationship and Not Feel Bad About It
Bryce Jones, Contributing Writer
Bryce is an LA-based journalist and freelance writer. She formerly worked as an editor at Better Homes & Gardens, covering topics ranging from lifestyle and food to entertainment and mental health. Her words have also appeared in Polyester, Cosmopolitan, Apartment Therapy, and more.
