I dated a nice guy once. He was charming, thoughtful, enthusiastic, and loyal, but most of all, he was boring. As a 23-year-old girl who didn’t exactly have a line of boys at her door, I thought I’d be happy to be dating someone who really liked me, but our whole dynamic felt so… dull. Looking back, I realize now what I didn’t then: I never wanted a golden retriever boyfriend. I wanted a black cat boyfriend: someone more subtle with their affection, a little mysterious, and a lot harder to read.
I’m usually the first to roll my eyes at modern dating labels, but the black cat boyfriend vs. golden retriever boyfriend archetypes actually make a lot of sense. There’s a clear difference between the two dating “personality types,” and those differences help explain why we’re drawn to one over the other. While these relationship archetypes aren’t new, TikTok has popularized the idea—especially through characters like Justin Kohl from Off Campus, who’s become a standout example of the black cat boyfriend trope.
So, if you never really understood the draw of dating a nice guy, you’re not alone. Let’s break down what a black cat boyfriend is, how they differ from golden retriever boyfriends, and why so many of us are suddenly craving the broody, mysterious type over the endlessly cheerful one.
What is a black cat boyfriend?
Justin Kohl from Off Campus, Conrad Fisher from The Summer I Turned Pretty, Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl, and Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries are classic heartthrob characters who all have one thing in common: they are black cat boyfriends. Put simply, they are emotional sad boys with big hearts, characterized by their mysterious, quiet, protective, and broody nature. A black cat boyfriend is the type of partner who might not be overly expressive or verbally affectionate, but will show up consistently, remember the small things, and care for you in quiet, steady ways that often speak louder than words. From the outside looking in, they seem aloof, like they don’t care that much about anything, especially a relationship, but that couldn’t be more wrong. If anything, their emotional depth, once they let down their walls, is one of their strongest qualities, much like a cat.
The term itself gained popularity on TikTok as the opposite of a “golden retriever boyfriend.” The idea is based on the stereotype that black cats are independent, reserved, and affectionate only with people they trust. It’s essentially the internet’s modern take on the classic grumpy sunshine trope.
While the term (and most of the online discourse) usually centers on boyfriends—thanks to timely pop culture examples—the archetype isn’t limited to men. Black cat girlfriends exist, too, showing that this dynamic resonates far beyond heterosexual couples.
What is the difference between a black cat boyfriend and a golden retriever boyfriend?
A golden retriever boyfriend is affectionate, expressive, upbeat, and openly devoted. They are always portrayed as energetic, emotionally available, social, and eager to make their partner happy. Think: Jeremiah from The Summer I Turned Pretty, Ken from Barbie, Dean from Gilmore Girls, and Winston from New Girl. They are consistent and predictable, which is not a bad thing, but in the case of my college boyfriend, they can sometimes feel a little boring.
In opposition, black cat boyfriends are more reserved, independent, and quietly affectionate. They come across as stoic, sarcastic, or mysterious, but their subtle actions are just as meaningful as a golden retriever’s grand gestures.
Can someone be both a black cat and a golden retriever?
Yes, someone can be a black cat and a golden retriever. Let’s all remember that these are made-up, internet dating archetypes; they are not personality types. Most people don’t fit neatly into one category and are very often a mix of the two, especially depending on their comfort level, circumstances, or setting. For example, you might meet someone who seems like a black cat at first but becomes more playful, affectionate, and outgoing as time goes on. Or, they are warm and affectionate with their partner, but they are quiet and reserved around everyone else. We see this with Justin and Hannah in Off Campus—he is eager to talk to her whenever he sees her, but couldn’t care less about anyone else in the room.
The black cat and golden retriever archetypes are simply a fun way to describe certain tendencies, like enthusiastic or mysterious, for example. They aren’t a definitive personality test. Think about the two archetypes being on separate ends of the spectrum; some people might land in the middle, and some might land more to one side than the other. That doesn’t mean they always have to be boxed into that label. In fact, you need to be able to show all parts of yourself, even when they are opposing, to form a real and healthy relationship.
“While we’ve long championed golden retriever energy, we’re seeing a shift in the qualities that we prioritize in a partner… emotional depth, vulnerability, and security.”
How do black cat boyfriends show affection?
A black cat boyfriend shows affection in understated, consistent ways. They aren’t the type to say “I love you” every five seconds or gush about you to their friends, but if you pay close attention to their actions, it’s beyond obvious that they deeply care. Here are a few ways black cat boyfriends typically show affection:
- Quiet acts of service, like fixing something for you or bringing you coffee.
- Wanting to spend time together, even if you’re just doing separate activities side by side.
- Being protective or looking out for your well-being.
- Remembering small details about your likes, dislikes, and routines.
- Checking in with a simple text or making sure you got home safely.
- Letting you into their personal space and opening up emotionally over time.
- Showing loyalty and consistency rather than frequent verbal reassurance.
Why black cat boyfriends have our attention
Mystery has always been a little sexy, but there is more to this attraction than meets the eye. While we’ve long championed golden retriever energy, we’re seeing a shift in the qualities that we prioritize in a partner. It’s not that we don’t want to be with someone light and fun, per se, but emotional depth, vulnerability, and security are becoming non-negotiable. In an AI-driven dating world, it’s not a coincidence that more and more people are interested in something deeper—more real.
That’s not to say that golden retrievers can’t do both or that “nice guys always finish last,” but right now, examples in pop culture are opening up the conversation that love doesn’t have to be big and showy to be real. It can show up in quiet, intimate ways, too—like in a subtle compliment or a quick glance. Or in the quiet, almost frustrating way that they put the other person’s happiness first, even if that ultimately means they can’t be together.
You likely won’t get over-the-top gestures from a black cat, but you will notice their steady, loving presence. Plus, we’re never mad at a slow-burn. Not to mention, this emphasis on vulnerability is making performative masculinity a thing of the past.
How do you know if your partner is a black cat?
It’s not always obvious where your partner falls on the black cat to golden retriever spectrum, but there are some tell-tale signs that may push them into black cat territory. Here are some common signs you might have a black cat boyfriend or a black cat girlfriend:
- They may not always express their feelings out loud, but they pay close attention to what you say.
- Rather than constant compliments or grand gestures, they help you with your heavy UPS drop off, change your air filter, or remind you not to lock your keys in your car again.
- They’re perfectly happy spending a night in together or going for a long walk instead of going out.
- They enjoy spending time with you, but they also prioritize their hobbies, friendships, and, most importantly, their alone time.
- A hand on your back, remembering how you like your fries (extra crispy!), or checking that you got home safely may be more their style than over-the-top PDA.
- Others may think they’re emotionally distant, but the people closest to them know they actually have a huge heart.
- They show up, keep their promises, and are dependable.
Is being a black cat boyfriend a red flag?
No! Being a black cat boyfriend isn’t inherently a red flag. While they may be quieter and more independent than a golden retriever boyfriend, that doesn’t mean they’re emotionally unavailable or uninterested. They still communicate, make an effort, and show affection in their own way. However, if they don’t do those things and they don’t make you feel valued, secure, or cared for either, those are red flags that have nothing to do with being a black cat boyfriend.
Can a relationship with a black cat boyfriend work out?
No matter what archetype you’re more drawn to, successful relationships require honest, consistent communication. The problem with black cats is that, while they’re incredibly capable of this, their walls are sky-high. Entering and maintaining that dialogue could take a while and might require patience you don’t have. But once you have that line of communication open, there’s no reason you can’t have a true, lasting connection.
With that said, if you’re with someone or (attracted to someone) who has black cat qualities, but refuses to open up to you, don’t chalk it up to their archetype and accept it. Everyone deserves a steady partner whose love they don’t have to question. That’s what ultimately determines a relationship’s success.
We keep up with dating trends so you don’t have to. Read these next:
- “Wildflowering” Is Helping Singles Take a More Relaxed Approach to Dating
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- “Chalance” Has Become a Dating Non-Negotiable—But What Does It Really Mean?
- “Quiet Dating” Is Helping Singles Have a Stress-Free and Satisfying Love Life
Hailey Tagliarino, Assistant Managing Editor
As Assistant Managing Editor for The Everygirl, Hailey Tagliarino oversees, writes, and edits content across various categories on the site. From the pitching stage through publishing, she works alongside the team to ensure that the content that our readers see every day is inspiring, relatable, and timely.
