"“Yeah, I’m happy being single,” my friend said between bites of creamy, pumpkin lasagna. “I get to do what I want, when I want, for the first time since my last relationship.” For context, my friend is in her late 20s and is in her single-girl era after an eight-year relationship. To her, this is foreign. For most of her adult life, she was in a committed, monogamous relationship where she lived, spent time, and shared milestones with a significant other. As I sat there, I couldn’t help but think, “I would do almost anything to have the experience of a long-term relationship under my belt.” Aside from my six-month-long situationships and failed talking stages, I haven’t had a romantic relationship since crossing the threshold into adulthood.
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If you were to ask my younger self how she envisioned her romantic life in her 20s, it would come nowhere near how it looks and feels now. She envisioned it would be like the movies, the books, and the real-life love stories she heard growing up; she would meet someone in college, fall in love, exchange eternal “I do’s,” and live happily ever after—or at least get close enough to it. The steps to achieving this were supposed to be effortless and enchanting. My younger self couldn’t have predicted the never-ending swiping and ghosting she would have to endure.
Unmet expectations aside, being single since entering adulthood has actually had a positive impact on my life. Don’t get me wrong—I still desire a romantic relationship, but it’s becoming clear that singlehood isn’t all that bad. In fact, it has been transformative in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Since so many people, my younger self included, would think that my current situation is quite sad, I’m sharing the lessons I’ve learned so far that have upgraded my life and changed my perspective on singlehood.
Cultivating self-love requires effort
Initially, I subscribed to the misconception that self-love had a destination. I would wake up and suddenly feel a rush of love toward myself, and from then on, I wouldn’t have to put in the effort to cultivate it—it would just exist. Eventually, I learned that there is a flaw in this way of thinking and that self-love is an ongoing pursuit that requires steady effort. In my alone time, I realized that I needed to be intentional about cultivating self-love regularly. Now, I make it a priority to go on solo dates, to get to know myself through journaling, and to make a conscious effort to care for my overall well-being. Could I have learned this while in a relationship? Sure, but I don’t think I would have had the same drive to work hard at it or make the time to prioritize my self-care time.
Platonic relationships need just as much nurturing as romantic ones
Our culture puts so much emphasis on pursuing romantic relationships, but we don’t talk enough about how to nurture and invest in our non-romantic relationships. Along my journey as a single woman, I realized how much time and energy I’ve spent in talking stages, on dates, and the like compared to the amount of time and energy I’ve spent on other, arguably more important, platonic relationships in my life.
“Self-love is an ongoing pursuit that requires steady effort.”
Since then, I’ve reprogrammed my mind and reallocated my time to value and prioritize those relationships just as much as I would a romantic relationship. Now, you can catch me scheduling more time to hang out and FaceTime friends (even if it’s just for a few minutes), enjoying a spontaneous playdate with my 6-year-old nephew, or spending quality time with my parents.
Don’t rush the future that awaits you
It was (and still is) hard to see friends and acquaintances my age find love and share cute moments with their significant others. I often find myself wondering why everyone else has been able to check their relationship box except for me. But whenever I express my disdain for the modern dating scene and my hopelessness toward finding love, my mom usually attempts to comfort me by saying, “It’ll happen in its own time… be patient.” I know she’s right, but when finding love has been on your vision board for what feels like centuries, this advice still feels like a gut punch.
I still have days where I feel a sense of urgency to find the one, but one affirmation that has kept me grounded is “What is for you will not pass you.” This affirmation continually reminds me to enjoy my journey and trust that everything really will fall into place in its own time.
Happiness does not come from external sources
Dedicating significant time to finding my prince charming, dreaming of my wedding day, and waiting for my happily ever after is what I was conditioned to do from a young age. As I mature in my singlehood, I’ve come to realize the toxicity inherent in this mindset. Am I not allowed to be happy now? Why should I put my life on pause until I find a romantic partner?
“Happiness is not attached to a love interest, a relationship, or any other external thing. It’s something that I have the power to practice right here, right now.”
In The Art of Living: Peace and Freedom in the Here and Now by Thich Nhat Hahn, Hahn states that “happiness is a habit.” When I read this, the illusion I had about what I needed in order to experience happiness shattered. Happiness is not attached to a love interest, a relationship, or any other external thing. It’s something that I have the power to practice right here, right now.
To integrate this lesson into my life, I romanticize any and all moments I can. The weather drops below 80 degrees? I’m grabbing a sweater, heading to a coffee shop, and embodying my inner Rory Gilmore. Found a new vegan recipe on Pinterest? I’m securing the ingredients ASAP. Music from my favorite artist just dropped on Spotify? I’m taking a scenic drive for no other reason other than to vibe out. Whatever sparks happiness in me, no matter how small, I intend to make memorable.
Navigating uncomfortable emotions builds resilience
Let’s be real: Loneliness is not a great feeling. It can be uncomfortable even for someone like me: a proud introvert who loves solitude. There are days when my relationship status weighs on me and days when I wish I could share life experiences with someone. But the more time I spend alone, the more I learn how to navigate my loneliness in healthy, productive ways.
It’s been easy for me to suppress unwanted emotions in the past, but being able to successfully navigate them has strengthened my confidence, self-respect, and resilience. Of course, I’m not advocating for hyper-independence (I still seek support in friends, family, and therapy when I need to work through issues!), but I am glad that singlehood has granted me the ability to learn how to take care of myself and find happiness sans a significant other.
Being single is not a failure
My perspective on singlehood evolved after witnessing the increasing number of women choosing to be single, get married, and/or have children later in life. For a long time, I bought into the stigma that you have to be in a relationship by a certain age or you’d run the risk of coming off as undesirable, unworthy, or incapable of finding love. Now, the narrative is shifting. Instead of singlehood being seen as a failure, it is seen as a time of freedom, exploration, and self-discovery.
“My singlehood isn’t a punishment… it’s a beautiful season with lessons to offer.”
When I forget this, I look to role models like actress and entrepreneur Tracee Ellis Ross. As a woman in her 50s, Ross is candid about her experience as a single, child-free woman, and, from the looks of it, she is handling singlehood with confidence, humor, and grace. If you take a look at her social media (or this interview with Oprah Winfrey), you can see she’s not allowing single life to stop her from living her best life.
Thanks to her and many other confidently independent women, I’ve come to accept that finding love can’t be planned, predicted, or orchestrated. So, while I wait for my dream person to manifest and finally give me the meet-cute moment I’ve been longing for, I’m comforted by knowing that my singlehood isn’t a punishment. It’s a beautiful season with lessons to offer.
Aaliyah Alexander, Contributing Writer
Aaliyah is a writer, content creator, and blogger based in Brandon, Mississippi. She attended San Diego State University where she received a degree in journalism and worked as an editor for the award-winning student newspaper, The Daily Aztec. Aaliyah covers a range of topics including slow living, her favorite vegan food spots, minimalism, self-growth, and entertainment.