"Like most women, I faked an orgasm or 20 when I was younger. After all, I started having sex long before I understood the intricacies of the female orgasm, and I suffered through years of subpar sex before I finally found a modicum of pleasure in the experience. Now that I’m older, I know that sex isn’t just for men, despite what I was told growing up. I actually used to think that being sexually empowered meant shamelessly having sex like Samantha Jones from Sex and the City (a true icon). But I now know that being sexually empowered means not faking it ‘til you make it. Since getting in touch with my sensual side, I’ve realized that faking an orgasm only prevents us from experiencing pure pleasure. What’s worse, it sets women across the globe back, and sex experts agree.
I tapped a few of my favorite sex experts to speak to this issue. Ahead, a full breakdown of why women feel the need to fake orgasms, why faking orgasms is ruining pleasure for women everywhere, and what to do to ensure you don’t have to fake them anymore.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Faking orgasms is, sadly, not a novel concept for most women. After all, junior high health class doesn’t teach us about the clitoris or how to stimulate the G-spot. “When you’re not taught how your body works (i.e., how to touch a clit), it’s easy to fall into step with your partner,” Gigi Engle, a Certified Sex and Relationship Psychotherapist, said. Case in point: If jackhammer sex makes them climax, you might pretend that you love it, too; you do this not only to please them but also so the whole thing can end since you’re not really enjoying yourself.
Thanks to a lack of education, porn typically becomes our main form of sex ed. The problem with this is that porn focuses on the male gaze. This means that we’re taught women can have earth-shattering orgasms from penetration alone—no warm-up, clitoral stimulation, toys, or lube required. Danielle Simpson-Baker, a Board Certified Sexologist, explained that this can make us feel pressured to live up to that societal expectation of what a sexual encounter should look like. Thus, we fake a climax to live up to that standard.
Lastly, Engle explained that while men are taught to be straightforward about their needs, women are told to be more coy. Not only does this narrative set the women’s rights movement back, but also makes it harder for us to communicate our needs during sex. We feel the need to fake an orgasm because we don’t know what we want, and we’re embarrassed to broach the topic altogether. Instead, we focus on pleasuring our partner and pretend to enjoy the ride.
Why faking orgasms ruins pleasure for women
It perpetuates unrealistic sexual expectations
One of my biggest gripes with sex scenes in the media is the consistent lack of foreplay. Sorry, but kissing someone for 30 seconds before shoving their panties to the side to have sex doggy style doesn’t cut it. In the real world, vulva owners typically need anywhere from 20-60 minutes of foreplay to get adequately aroused. According to Kiana Reeves, a Somatic Sex Educator, reaching adequate arousal is crucial because it increases your chances of orgasming during sex. Plus, these depictions also blatantly ignore the clitoris—something Reeves says 80 percent of women need to be stimulated to climax. Pretending that penetration alone without foreplay is enough to induce an orgasm only perpetuates that narrative; it reinforces the notion that sex should be for a man’s pleasure, not the other way around.
We feel the need to fake an orgasm because we don’t know what we want, and we’re embarrassed to broach the topic altogether. Instead, we focus on pleasuring our partner and pretend to enjoy the ride.
It implies you’re enjoying something when you’re not
“When you fake an orgasm, you’re essentially reinforcing an unsatisfying sexual experience,” Simpson-Baker told me. “This can create a cycle where your partner believes they’re doing everything right, when in reality, you’re not getting what you need.” Not only can this make you feel sexually unfulfilled, but it can also lead to frustration and resentment toward your partner if you’re in a relationship. Pleasure is a two-way street, but your partner isn’t a mind reader; they deserve to know if they’re not satisfying your needs so they can try and fix it.
You miss out on the health benefits of orgasms
In case you haven’t heard, orgasms not only feel euphoric, but they’re also seriously beneficial for your health. Reeves explained that orgasms help with sleep, improve circulation throughout the body, regulate the menstrual cycle, relieve anxiety, and decrease pain, just to name a few. “Faking it to get through a sexual encounter is doing a disservice in so many areas of our health, especially our emotional well-being as women,” she said.
It can erode trust in a relationship
Although a lot of women think that faking an orgasm boosts their partner’s ego, it actually does the opposite. “Sexual intimacy is meant to be a safe space, and faking orgasms or any sort of sexual arousal can mitigate the trust built between two partners,” Reeves told me. After all, our ego would be more than a little bruised if we found out our partner was faking their orgasms from us; we’d likely find ourselves questioning every move they make, wondering if that moan or teeth clench was genuine. Ultimately, this doesn’t champion true sexual liberation for women. Sex is an incredible and pleasurable act, and it’s imperative that we pick partners whom we know will handle our needs and desires with care.
Pleasure is a two-way street, but your partner isn’t a mind reader; they deserve to know if they’re not satisfying your needs so they can try and fix it.
What to do to ensure you don’t have to fake orgasms anymore
Very few things in life are black and white, and this is one of them. There’s no way around it: Faking orgasms does women a disservice. Regardless of why we feel compelled to do it, it’s time to end this self-destructive behavior once and for all. Starting now, let’s all take the necessary steps in the bedroom to ensure we stop compromising on pleasure once and for all and start championing the female orgasm the right way. Here’s how:
Learn what you like—and show it to your partner
You can’t communicate what you need to orgasm if you don’t know what you like. So during your next solo session, don’t focus on orgasming quickly; instead, caress all your pleasure points and experiment with different auditory and visual stimulations, like audio erotica, porn, and ASMR sex. Giving yourself time to build up arousal will help you figure out what really stimulates you sexually and what you need to increase your chances of having an orgasm.
Once you’ve done this, Engel recommends sitting down with your partner and suggesting you explore each other’s bodies. This will allow you to show them what you like and guide their hands accordingly; that way, they won’t feel like you’re criticizing them, and they won’t get defensive. Plus, this is going to be seriously steamy and act as a form of outercourse—the term used to describe non-penetrative sexual activities. According to Engle, focusing on outercourse rather than intercourse will take the pressure off and allow you to explore pleasure in new ways. “Touch each other, touch yourselves, and watch what each of you enjoys,” she said.
Don’t skip foreplay
Since women need more time to get adequately aroused and increase their chances of orgasming, the days of skipping foreplay are over. “Take your time getting into a sensual groove through making out, touching each other, oral sex, letting your partner play with the clitoris—whatever it takes to get those full-body tingles,” Reeves said. The best part about foreplay is that there are no rules, and there are endless ways to experiment. Don’t be afraid to switch things up and get creative; even if you find what you like, keeping your sex life—including foreplay—fun and fresh will heighten arousal and excitement.
Use sex toys and lube
If there’s one thing Reeves, Engle, and Simpson-Baker agree on, it’s that bringing friends—aka lube and sex toys—into the bedroom is a must.” Not only do they increase pleasure for both parties, but the right tools and toys can make your entire experience more satisfying. For example, lubes and oils can be used to help you relax and release tension so you can focus on luxuriating in the experience, and they can also help with any pain you may experience. (Vaginal tissue is sensitive AF, after all.)
To avoid feeling the need to fake an orgasm, it’s essential to prioritize open communication with your partner.
When it comes to sex toys, well, there is no doubt about it—they can make your sex life go from mediocre to mind-blowing in no time. If you’re introducing sex toys into partnered play, Engle recommends starting with something small and non-threatening; this will prevent you and your partner from feeling overwhelmed.
“Make it about trying something new and kinky rather than your intense need to actually have a real orgasm,” Engle said. This can remove any apprehension toward lube or toys. But know this: “Your partner shouldn’t be intimidated by having a helping hand,” Engle said. “Many male-bodied people think their penis should be enough. This is a symptom of toxic masculinity and having no idea how the female body works.”
Prioritize communication in the bedroom
“To avoid feeling the need to fake an orgasm, it’s essential to prioritize open communication with your partner,” Simpson-Baker told me. It might be uncomfortable, but she recommends starting with discussing your likes, dislikes, and what truly turns you on. This will help you both feel more comfortable expressing your wants and desires. “Creating a safe space for these conversations can help alleviate the pressure to fake it,” she said. Furthermore, Reeves says doing this can help you discover what makes you orgasm; you’re essentially making space to question what would make you feel better so you can relay those details to your partner.
Focus on the journey rather than the destination
While orgasms certainly are a lot of things, Simpson-Baker says they’re not the only measure of a successful sexual encounter. And focusing on the end goal of sex—aka the orgasm—is only going to make you feel more pressured to have one. And this will make it harder to climax. This is why she implores you to focus on the journey instead of fixating on the destination. Practicing tantric sex solo or partnered is a great way to do this. “Being present in the moment, exploring different forms of pleasure, and giving yourself permission to not climax every time can also reduce the urge to fake it,” Simpson-Baker said.
Experts Consulted
Gigi Engle
Gigi Engle is a Certified Sex and Relationship Psychotherapist and Resident Intimacy Expert at dating app, 3Fun. Her writing has appeared in numerous outlets, including Marie Claire, Brides, Elle Magazine, Marie Claire, Teen Vogue, Glamour, and Women’s Health. Her book, All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide To Sex, Love, and Life, is the ultimate sex-talk book, demystifying female sexuality without any of the awkwardness of “the talk,” providing readers with no-nonsense advice and guide on how to live your sexy AF, fabulous life.
Danielle Simpson-Baker
Danielle Simpson-Baker is a Registered Marriage & Family Therapy Intern in Florida and a Board Certified Sexologist with the American Board of Sexology. She earned her master’s in Marriage & Family Therapy in 2021 and is currently working toward a dual certificate in sex therapy and education. She also runs a sex-positive Instagram page @thesexpottherapist that has amassed more than 23,000 followers since its inception in 2019; with that following, Simpson-Baker started a virtual sexual wellness clinic called Sex(pot) Therapy, LLC, and hopes to provide sex therapy, coaching, & consulting, as well as a host of sexual wellness products for every person’s needs!
Kiana Reeves
Kiana Reeves is a Somatic Sex Educator, AASECT Member, Certified Sexological Bodyworker, Pelvic Health Practitioner, Certified Doula, and Foria’s Chief Education Officer and Resident Sex Expert with over 10 years’ experience in the field of wellness and female reproductive health. With a commitment to helping people feel more connected to their own bodies, especially as they age, Kiana harnesses her certifications and qualifications to help drive Foria’s content and brand education.