Coffee Talk: Living With Your Significant Other Before Marriage

Nov 19, 2012

Coffee Talk: Living With Your Significant Other Before Marriage

For older generations, living together before marriage may seem like a radical step. Today, it has largely become the norm. Albeit a bit untraditional, living with a significant other before marriage is a growing trend and some couples find it helpful to take that next step. Still, aren’t there some things that should be saved for marriage in the element of surprise and excitement? Is it better to keep your independent spaces, no matter how serious your relationship may be? Or is it better to move in together, get to know each other more intimately, and find out if marriage is in your future. What are your thoughts on living together before marriage?

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Annie Del Walsh

http://twitter.com/marifaih marifaih

It’s good because the couple can get used to living together and they see if they can make it.
frecklefaceford

I had been dating my fiance for 2 years before he proposed this past May. We are both still in school and my parents are very adamant that we don’t move in together until I, personally, am done with my bachelors. I find it understandable but also at the same time I eat breakfast with him and eat dinner with him already. We live in a small town-city area and we both can’t wait to get out. Our next big step is having our own apartment which we will have for a year before we get married Fall of 2014.
gjulia

I read this really interesting article in the New York Times a few months back. I think it raises an interesting point: do you expect different things from a live in partner and from a husband when it comes to living together?
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downside-of-cohabiting-before-marriage.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

Catherine Ahern

Yes! I was going to recommend that same article (as well as the book The Defining Decade, by the same author, Meg Jay).

I used to think that living together before marriage was the smart thing to do so that you could learn more about your partner, but Meg Jay has changed my mind. I now think that MANY of people end up marrying someone simply because they already live together and it “makes sense.” Of course, they probably like each other and maybe even love each other, but that doesn’t mean they’re actually right for each other. Many couples would have broken up long before marriage if they hadn’t lived together, but cohabitating makes breaking up significantly harder. One person would have to find a whole new place to live, for starters. And they’ve probably invested in some large purchases together, etc.–all of that on top of the normal factors that always make breaking up difficult.

I’m a strong believer in there being more than one right way to do things, and I have no problem with other couples moving in together. I just hope everyone’s aware of the psychological tendencies we have to avoid immediate discomfort (in this case, breaking up) at the expense of long-term satisfaction (in this case, marrying the wrong person). If you happened to have moved in with your perfect mate, then obviously this won’t matter to you. But as someone who married someone who wasn’t right for her, I personally wouldn’t take that risk of living together before engagement again. It’s just too easy to feel stuck.

JV

I was going to recommend the same article too! Very interesting. I’m may be old-fashioned, but I don’t like the whole “let’s test this out before we get married” thing. Why should I have to audition for marriage?

http://www.streetsandstripes.com/ Chaucee

I like that … “Why should I have to audition for marriage?”

jenn@ahomeinthemaking

Such an interesting article! I knew with out a doubt I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my husband, but we didn’t live together before we were married. I am incredibly independent and in my mind, I have the rest of my life to spend living with him — I wanted to really enjoy the time I had living by myself while I still had it!

http://twitter.com/catfishcaviar Drew Elizabeth

I’m living with my significant other now & we aren’t married yet. I think if you know they’re the one you want to be with then by all means MOVE IN! Test it out to see if you can live with each other before getting hitched.
Erin

Depends really, I’m not a fan of people who just move in together just because it’s more convenient, cheaper, they spend all their time together anyway, ect. otherwise known as “sliding instead of deciding”because then you can get locked into a marriage that doesn’t work. I do think it’s a great idea if you sit down and have a talk with your SO beforehand to firmly decide where you want this to go and if you are both on the same page. So basically it really depends on the couple.

http://www.erindepew.com/blog
Ascaperl

I say: wait! There are always going to be issues when you start living with someone (like, how often do you do chores? Who does what chore, etc?), and to think these things might break up the relationship would just be dizzying! I just got married in June, and I know that even if I’m not as neat as I should be, we are committed to one another.

Or, as my friend Sarah says: going through a break up is hard; parting from a roommate is hard; to think of combining those would be terrible.
http://answertheunasked.blogspot.com/ J.Mill

Who the heck knows.

Regardless of whether you live together before marriage or not, the key is commitment.

If you look at marriage as an extension of living together (i.e. you can move out whenever you don’t like the way things are going), then your relationship is prone to weak spots. If you look at living together as not just a “compatibility test”, but as a level of commitment, it can be be a step toward forever.
Meg

I was really against it, but now that I’m getting to the point where I see my boyfriend all the time and he basically lives at my place, I don’t see why we should spend money paying two rents.
Kate

I am a huge proponent of co-habitating with your partner before marriage. It’s so important that you have a full understanding of the day-to-day habits and quirks – and that you can live with that for the rest of your life! Personally, it made the adjustment to marriage life a lot less daunting, and I’ve heard from friends who didn’t live together before that the first year or so of marriage was quite stressful. Living together may have had nothing to do with that either way, but it worked well for us!
http://sequintessential.com/ Dana Landers

My boyfriend and I were dating for 2 years before we moved in together, and we just had our 3 year anniversary. Sharing an apartment with him before marriage is the best decision I’ve ever made. We’ve both been annoyed and made compromises, but I’d rather work out the kinks beforehand than be resentful because I view the problems as a result of getting married. Most importantly, he and I are closer and more confident in our relationship than ever before.
http://steelpetalpress.com/ Shayna Norwood

If you’re at all considering marriage, moving in first is a way of testing the waters. There are so many things you won’t know about someone or if you’re compatible until after you’ve lived together.

My husband and I were dating for 6 years and lived together for 3 years before we decided to get married and it honestly took that long to really know if our relationship could really stand the test of time.

Marriage is a LOT of hard work and takes dedication, commitment and time to keep it together. I say it’s better in the long run to spend a little time living together first rather than ending in divorce. Moving out sucks, but divorce is even harder.
Anna

I’m a huge fan of living together before marriage. DBF and I have been together just shy of 3 years and moved in together this past August. We practically lived at one another’s apartment anyway, so the next logical step was moving in. I think it’s super important to learn one another’s quirks before you take the next step in your lives together.
Example: he snores…extremely loud. I’m glad I learned about it early and how to cope (sometimes I go sleep in my own bed if it’s really bad LOL) instead of being thrown into that situation right after tying the knot.

I’d rather learn about each other’s day in and day out routines before hand, that way marriage is even MORE fun =)
http://modern-eve.com Katie Anderson

I think a lot of couples decide to move into together before marriage because they think it’s the natural next step and that it might actually ensure a better outcome for their marriage, if they’re able to test the waters living together first. What’s interesting, is that social science research and statistics have shown that couples that cohabitate before marriage are more likely to get a divorce (if they eventually marry) and also report lower levels of marital satisfaction.

Researchers refer to this as phenomenon as “sliding vs deciding” on marriage. Typically couples that chose to live together before marriage, “slide” into marriage, as it’s just the natural next step; or it’s too difficult to end a relationship they should since they’re living together. Whereas couples that “decide” to get married before living together exhibit higher levels of commitment, which is the number one factor related to marital success and satisfaction.

Sorry for the long (and perhaps unpopular) comment. I used to work in healthy marriage education / counseling and I’m really passionate about healthy marriages. I think our generation is trying to do the best thing to ensure they have healthy, happy marriages, too. It’s hard because very few of us have had good role models and examples in this area. I just would want everyone to have all of the facts and really consider this decision. As fun as it may sound, it’s a big decision that should not be made flippantly.
Rachel

I wonder what makes marriage special if you live together before you get married and also what the rush is? I’ve had a few friends live with one another and when I ask, “How does it feel to be MARRIED?!!” They say, “it doesn’t feel very different.” This would be heartbreaking for me. You have the rest of your life to live with one another, so it doesn’t seem like something that needs to be rushed into. I know some like to find if they’re compatible to live with one another, but if this is the man you love enough to spend the rest of your life with then I can’t imagine any living situation being too complicated to ruin your relationship.
Alyssa Gapske

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we’ve lived together for almost 6 months. I love it.

I think it’s a decision for the individual couple.

Sure sometimes we make each other frustrated but then you talk about it.
We never go to bed mad. We either do chores together or make sure you are both doing an equal amount.
For example last night I cleaned the bathroom and he did all the dishes.

The relationship won’t work if you can’t work these things out in general.
Jamie O.

It’s so funny, this is one issue I can definitely see the benefits of both sides- I think it’s completely logical to see if a couple meshes living together before marriage, but on the other hand, can agree with the argument that it can stall a relationship. I personally would never again live with a boyfriend until we’re married. I did it once, for a relationship I was in for five years, we lived together for the last two years. When we broke up, it felt like a divorce, it was awful. Arguably worse than a normal breakup because we lived together and had to deal with all the logistics and not to mention my living in “our” former apartment for another four years. Lesson learned for me, I’m waiting til that commitment for the long haul is there before moving in with another boyfriend.
http://www.theevangelista.com/ Christina Grace

I think that if you’re not ready to get married, you’re not ready to live together. If a man can’t say to me, knowing all of the risk involved in saying it, that he loves me and wants to commit his entire life to loving me through marriage, then moving in together isn’t going to satisfy my desire for real commitment. Same goes on my end: if I’m not sure about getting married to this man, then why would I enter into a complicated living situation with him, that if it ends, would be WAY more painful than a typical break up? Full disclosure: I believe that marriage is much more than a social contract, so that plays a big role in what I think about living together beforehand.
http://www.newlywife.com/ Emily | Sparkle Meets Pop

I personally chose to move in after being married, for several reasons. Sure there is an adjustment, but I knew the person I was marrying well enough not living with him. Plus, sometimes I think the newlywed-ness helps tame some of those adjustments, whereas I’ve seen couples pretty much break up as a result of moving in together. Either way, I think moving in and marrying are very exciting, but also very serious decisions that often aren’t thought through.
Jessica

My husband and I lived together for about a year before we got married, and it was absolutely the right decision for us. I should also note that we were engaged when we purchased our house, so marriage was always our intention. To the people who say marriage isn’t as special if you live together first: I was thrilled to learn that, when the sparkly new shine wore off of our relationship, it became even more beautiful. It’s cliche, but it’s truly what’s under the surface that counts. Also — marriage is incredibly special — regardless of whether you live together before your wedding.
Lauren Maxwell

Why prolong the bliss that is sharing each moment…

Laurenmaxwell.blogspot.com
Heather

I think if you believe you need to live together “test it out” you’re relationship is already on a bad path. It’s like couples that think having a baby with fix their relationship.
http://www.thesparkle.net/ erin

i used to believe no move in before engagement, but that changed for me. i like the idea of testing the waters before commitment but ONLY if you know he is the one. too many girls move in too quickly or (sadly) out of necessity. i knew that moving in with my guy was the next step before marriage, and he would be the only guy i ever would live with. i think that’s the way to go into it.
Lindsay Kauffman

I understand that it is becoming much more common place for couples to live together before marriage. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we have made the decission to not live together before we are married. He comes from a very traditional/conservative family and it is mostly out of respect for them. I do see, however, that it would be more convenient to live together and split bills/chores/etc. Now we have something to look forward to when we do finally tie the knot!
http://www.thousandmilesfirststeps.com/ AdeOla

I would rather wait to move in together after we are married. For me it is both a faith thing, a desire to maintain my independence and a desire to have some newness after marriage. Since I am choosing abstinence, moving in together defeats that purpose…staying abstinence not living together is hard enuf . ugh! . I also want to enjoy my space before I need to share it with someone else. I want to come home after my honeymoon and know that dang…I need to learn if he leaves his socks at the door or in his shoes.

Different strokes for different people.
Kelly

My now husband and I lived together for the majority of our 5 years of dating before we got engaged and married, and I loved it. We didn’t move in together to “test the waters”, we moved in together because it was what we wanted to do and it was a step we wanted to take together. After living in his condo for a couple years we decided to buy a house together, and I cannot tell you how frustrating it was to have EVERYONE around me say “Are you sure you want to do this? You know you don’t have a ring on your finger yet…” Nobody knows anyone else’s full relationship story (and they shouldn’t!), so what people didn’t know was that we had several extensive conversations with each other about knowing that we would get married eventually, but at that particular time we weren’t willing to pass up an AMAZING deal on a house so that I could have a sparkly ring instead, and we just didn’t have the funds for both. We bought our house, spent a couple of years putting our hearts and souls into it, and when my guy did propose at home in our living room that we’d put together as a couple, it was incredible and special. And for anyone wondering – we’ve been married a little over a year now and the time after our wedding didn’t feel any less special because we weren’t moving in together too. We still got to put away all our new gifts, go on a trip, change my last name and all of that – so it was still plenty of fun and excitement!
JV

There are reasons why I could see people choosing to live together, but the whole “let’s test this out to see if I can stand living with you before we really commit” argument doesn’t appeal to me. Either someone is the one for you, or they’re not. Marriage includes accepting and choosing to love someone despite their quirks, flaws, and annoying little habits; it’s not about whether one person doesn’t put their socks in the laundry basket every night or whether the other person leaves the sink counter a mess after brushing their teeth in the morning. Why should anyone have to audition for marriage?
http://www.facebook.com/pinkpearlskylie Kylie Cooper

My boyfriend and I have known each other for over twenty years and have been dating for two now. We moved in after nine months because it felt right. I’m happy I made that decision because now I know for sure that he’s the man I want to marry. Once you split money, time, and energy completely, you really learn who a person is.
http://eyesearsmouthlens.com/ lauren | eyes/ears/mouth+lens

I have to speak generally first to say that I really like this Coffee Talk series. When I read the article title on Twitter I immediately knew what my opinion was, and even though it remains the same I still really like reading what everyone else has to say, especially those with different opinions.

I think that it really depends on each individual relationship. If I wasn’t currently living in a different country then my significant other and we had the option, I would want to live with him before a possible marriage. Yes, a break up while living under the same roof would be terrible and that much more difficult, but I’d much rather deal with that heartbreak over the heartbreak of realizing further down the road when it might be too late that getting married, whether it was out of the convenience of living together or not, was not the right decision. Such a situation could be that much more complicated and come with many more negative repercussions.

So I would say it would be better to move in together to share a space before marriage is considered, but I also recognize that this might not work or be ideal for all couples.
debrakay86

Oooh good topic.
I think in todays society moving in together first will tell you a lot about the other person and whether you’re really good for one another.
I moved in with my boyfriend and was a little reluctant to give that away before marriage but we now have a beautiful home together and we absolutely love living together so i don’t in anyway regret it. We also have a ten year history so for us when we get married it won’t be because it is just the next step that make senses for the situation. It will be for the right reasons.
The article mentioned above is interesting though because in some situations I’m sure that is happening which is unfortunate for those couples. I’ve also seen relationships fall apart from moving in together. Maybe it’s best they found that out before getting married? Or is it because you’re married you try harder to make it work and work together? Interesting.
http://twitter.com/AnnaLynnDTR Anna Lynn Doster

Even if you’re living together before marriage, life afterwards is completely different. Suddenly, you both assume more responsibility and what was acceptable before marriage becomes questionable. If you’ve already formed habits before you’re married while living together, these can become challenging obstacles.

Also, love leading to marriage is a decision as well as a feeling. Would you really decide not to marry someone because they leave the toilet seat up? Chances are, if a person is responsible and loves you in the outside world, they’d be the same in a home environment. If you don’t know how he behaves in private already, it’s probably not wise to jump into living with him before finding out.

Lastly, for some couples, cohabitation is like marriage without responsibility. Either partner can leave at any time with no binding commitment to one another. For some, this is fine. I know it would only fill me with insecurity.

http://twitter.com/rohallma Rosemary Hallmark

I think the idea behind cohabitation is less about bad habits like leaving the toilet seat up, and more about getting used to being with that person 24/7 as opposed to just part of the time. You have to be willing to completely share your space and time with that person in marriage, and some people may not realize what that’s truly like until they’ve lived together.

http://twitter.com/hhf3 Heather Furman

I would definitely wait. But I’d insist on a lengthy and not-necessarily-easy travel experience – like backpacking around Asia or something. If you could survive such travel, you’d probably be okay to get married
Claire-gaynor

Happily ‘living in Sin’ as we speak. Personally I wouldn’t consider doing it any other way. My partner and I recently bought a house together and I think these days that’s about as big of a commitment as anything. I would much rather our precious savings go towards something other then a ring, a party and a piece of paper right now.

Yes, I believe in Marriage but I’m not going to wait around for life to start until I walk down an aisle. Yes, my parents are still happily married but many who did it the ‘proper way’ aren’t. Yes, I am actually Catholic but I don’t understand people today using the ‘bible’ as fact. These were guidelines for a completely different society.

AnaM

If you are Catholic, then you realize marriage is NOT about a ring, a party, and a piece of paper. It’s a sacrament. It’s a bond between you, God, and your spouse. If you don’t have money (or want to spend it on other things), just have a mass to pledge before God and his people your love for one another; skip the party and have it on your ten year anniversary!

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=515126027 Brittany Elisabeth

This is kind of along the lines of the article but I will throw it out there anyway! I used to be all for it! I thought it made a lot of sense. You would know what you might be getting yourself into and you would get both of your financial burdens eased. Then I went to college as a sociology major (it has since changed) and in every family, gender, and even a few other soc classes every teacher would talk about the most common factor in divorce, which was cohabitation. One study my professor quoted in a family sociology class that was done by Ohio State found that couples that cohabitated before marriage raised the likely hood of divorce in their marriages by up to 83%! That number is so crazy to me! So because of that I have changed my mind. I am not saying everyone should live by the facts and numbers,I think people know themselves well enough to make the decision for themselves. Personally, it is no longer an option!

http://twitter.com/rohallma Rosemary Hallmark

Wow, 83%! That’s really interesting…I wonder if other factors are involved though? For instance, couples who are more religious are more likely opposed to cohabitation AND divorce, so they are less likely to do both (and vice versa). I’m from the South, where I’ve seen my fair share of unhappy marriages that should’ve ended in divorce but didn’t for religious reasons. Just a thought.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=515126027 Brittany Elisabeth

There are always contributing factors! I am from the bible belt as well and I have definitely witnessed the same thing! Great point!

Christa

I am so glad I lived with my ex. We had been dating on and off for four years when we moved in together. After spending so much time together and taking a big step in our relationship, we eventually realized that it wasn’t right. It did make things complicated when we broke up, and actually delayed our break up. However, I wouldn’t have realized it wasn’t working out if we hadn’t taken that step. After that experience I knew he wasn’t the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Haley Hekman

LOL, this is such a fun subject because I have lived with three boyfriends in the past, and I am now happily married to the man of my dreams (yes we lived together for 3 years beforehand).
Naturally, this makes me the perfect person to ask about this when one of my friends are deciding whether or not they should do it, and they have been asking me for YEARS, because the first time I did it was at age 18!
I have always given the same advice:DO NOT DO IT -but if you do, make sure that he isn’t a gambler, a cheater, a slob, a louse, a pervert, etc. and MAKE SURE TO TELL HIM YOUR EXPECTATIONS for the relationship before you do anything (and be brutally honest, this is the man you want to share your life with, he should be able to take it)!
http://www.stuffaudreysays.com/ Audrey the Turtle

I used to think it would keep any terrible surprises from popping up once we were married, so we lived together for two years before tying the knot. It’s a myth, though, in our case, as we are currently divorcing. I do remember wishing I had kept my own personal space a little longer. If I had, I doubt we would have gotten married to begin with.
A. Marie

Best thing I have ever done. Marriage is important for its many reasons but living together with my man before marriage has brought our lives financially, emotionally and physically stronger. The chapel song will play when we are ready for that chapter.
Corey_125_ktm

DONT FUCKING DO IT
Samantha Peterson

I currently live with my boyfriend of six years. I love living with him and am happy that we are making sure we work just as well together under the same roof as we did when we were in college or living at our parent’s houses after we graduated before we get married. It’s been amazing to finally be in the same place at the same time and not have to adhere to our parent’s guidelines after moving back home after college. While I completely respect those who don’t move in together due to parent’s wishes, sometimes it’s best financially and just to make sure you work as couple. Sometimes big surprises come up if you get married and then move in with one another!
jennifer

I think there are serious benefits to living together before marriage and waiting until marriage. My cousin and his girlfriend bought a house together and moved in before they were engaged. They both knew they were going to get married soon, but wanted to spend most of their money on a house they see themselves living for a few years, rather to splurge on a wedding and not have enough money to afford the house and what not.

But I have another couple who have dated for 4 years, married and then lived together. They did something I never considered, but now I am. The couple went into marriage counseling prior to living together so they knew what to expect and how to handle situations before those situations happens. For example, they both brought up differently and through the counseling they were able to come to a compromise about who handles the dishes, who takes out the trash and avoided the fights that could have happened.

I think any couple who are looking to live together, married or not, should do something similiar to counseling. It can be as simple as talking about what they each expect from each other, how the responsibilities should be divided and find out what compromises can be made.
Rachel

My husband and I did not live together before we got married, and MANY people thought we were crazy. But we dated for 2.5 yrs and spent a lot of time at each others places, so I didn’t feel that there was anything I was going to uncover once we lived together that was so terrible it would convince me not to marry him. Call me old fashioned, but I liked the excitement of moving in together as a married couple and feeling as though something had “changed” once we tied the knot. It was new and exciting to start our lives together without having to awkwardly split the bills or decide who was going to pay for groceries. I know it seems trivial, but I think that if you feel like you need to live with someone to decide if they are the one, then they probably aren’t.
Raven

I say: my dad has been married a few times and so has my mom, and so has my ex step dad, and all my ex step moms, and my friends parents are divorced and my boyfriends parents are too. What I say is if you are fully commited before you are married then marraige shouldn’t change that commitment, because if you SO or you are going to leave one day being married obviously doesn’t stop that.